Divorce (II)

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv (Unsplash) 

Last week I dissected what I believe led up to the decision for a divorce. The reasons they did not work out. To be honest, I did not intend to judge what my parents did or, more accurately, did not do. However, that is just the thing about writing about thoughts. They can just lead in a certain direction that I had no idea that was available to me.

As mentioned last time, my parents are considering a divorce and I have no idea how to think about it. On the one hand, I do not want them to get divorced even though I won´t suffer the consequences. I am a student who is moving out of her parent´s house. This divorce won´t have such an impact on me as it may have on my sibling. They will not be living under the same roof anymore and neither will I.

Honestly, living in that house never really felt like living in a home. Mother best described it as living in a dormitory where everyone just stays in their own bubble, their own room and we would bump into each other during breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just like living with strangers, you don´t know and who don’t know you. At the same time, you do know them and they are supposed to know you too.

The feeling of living in a home is gone. This broken feeling of being stuck in this house, which is falling apart from the inside, is… something. Can´t say it makes me feel bad because I am not doing anything about it but I also can´t say that I do not feel guilty since I am part of the reason that home became a house. I cannot say it is something I am used to even though I lived in it for such a long time but I also cannot say that I didn’t see it coming.

Then there is the constant shouting, which kept us all apart. The fear of the anger rising or being ambushed by hatred just made conversation between every single one of us living in that house hard. I don’t want to talk to father because he won´t remember anything anyways and it is frustrating to repeat. I don’t want to talk to my sibling because it will turn into an insult rap battle, which my mother has to get between and stop. I don’t want to talk to mother because she is a bit nosy. With me already being on the edge of breaking, every conversation may just end up with an unwanted volcano erupting. A Pandora’s Box opening unintentionally.

I can´t help to feel guilty for tearing my parents apart. Sometimes I just feel like the source of all my parent´s arguments. After talking to them made their blood boil and they just take the frustration out on each other without calming down first. If they don’t argue with their anger at a peak, they argue about me and my sibling. About how to raise us properly in their own unique way to finance everything. If not children or anger, they fight about small trivialities, which for the record don’t need to be discussed if they didn’t have children.

I guess I also feel guilty for keeping my parents together. If it weren´t for children, my parents probably would not have to forcefully stay together for the children´s sake. Because they felt the responsibility to raise us and be exemplary parents. They didn’t want to ditch us and let us fend for ourselves. Both of them felt the urge to bring up the children they brought into this world together since they know it takes two. Responsibility is one of the things that kept them together for this long. With the responsibility now slowly fading, so is their relationship.

On the other hand, I want them to get a divorce. Giving them a reason to drop the last shoe and stop them from living with one another when it clearly makes both of them unhappy. I may have problems showing this but I want my parents to be happy. If that is without each other then so be it. They should do as they please.

I guess the reason why this topic has me this riled up is because I am torn. I don’t want to let go of something familiar. I don’t want things to change. I don’t want things to be different. For me, going into adult life is already stressful enough. I don’t want another thing that could occupy my already full mind.

When I first heard about that idea, I was shrugging it off because I know my parents won´t really follow through. They have been spitballing this idea for years now. Dropping subtle sentences like ‘I should have let go when I had a chance’ or ‘I want to move out’. Those sentences were never taken seriously because I thought that they did not mean it. I never pictured my parents as this perfect couple who nothing and nobody could break apart. Nevertheless, I did not believe my parents could go their separate ways either.

It is also easy to brush off these telling sentences because they immediately changed the topic. When the other came back, they pretend as if nothing has ever happened. Pretend as if that sentence was never dropped. I thought they only said those things in the spur of the moment because they were frustrated or annoyed but they repeated it often enough to make me reconsider.

When my parents finally announced that, they are getting a divorce. I still shrugged it off. The expression on their faces was serious but I can´t help myself. The hint of divorce was dropped years ago and they did not follow through. Why now? It just didn’t seem as if anything would change.

Now with my parents arming themselves with lawyers, the weight of this whole situation just came crashing down on me. I feel numb (a bit more numb than I normally do) and at the same time feel an aching in the void that used to hold my heart. It just feels wrong and I have no idea how to explain it. I also have no idea why I am trying to explain this to myself in the first place. Not everything needs to make sense, especially something that is going on in someone else´s life.

I somehow feel really hurt by this whole situation even though it is out of my control. The worst part of it, I have no idea why I feel hurt or bad about this. I mean I already have mentioned tons of reasons why I feel guilty about this but those explanations just don’t do the situation justice. I know that big events always make people think that big explanations are behind them even though a small explanation already says it all. Nevertheless, I can´t help but try to search for these big explanations to explain this sudden at the same time expected divorce announcement.

There is also a sense of helplessness. It is just like watching a train wreck in motion and one is just standing nearby watching. Nothing one can do. Just watch. If one would get in between, one will only be caught in the crossfire and get burned.

In the back of my mind, I also just can´t help to wonder what would have gone differently if I have done something. What if I got in between the train wreck? I mean I will get burned but at least I will be alive and so will my parent´s relationship.

There must have been something I could have done. Something I could have talked to them about. Something must have been there. There is always something to be done. However, I did not do anything. I just sat back and watched. Watched how everything fell apart. Maybe it was because it was falling apart slowly nobody noticed or did something about it.

My parents are constantly reassuring me that it is them and not me. They are not getting a divorce because of me. They are getting one because it is them who can´t live with one another anymore. However, I also can´t help to wonder how much I was involved in the decision. How much impact did I have?

If I weren´t that tiny brat who would push everyone and anyone away, would that have helped? If I did not throw a temper tantrum every chance I got, would they have stayed together? If I would have been there for them, would that have changed a thing? All these questions are flooding my mind and none of them will be answered because my parents will never tell me that this is my fault.

I guess some part of me just wants to hear them admit that it is all my fault. Make the sense of guiltiness feel justified, so I can keep on dwelling and feel bad about this. I do not want to snap out of this (very unproductive if you ask my logical part). Somehow, I just want to drown in my sorrow.

With my parent´s admitting that it is all my fault, I don´t want to take the blame but I just want the explanation. Understand the complex. Explain the unexplainable but the truth is many aspects led up to this and I am not solely the blame for this. Multiple things built up and led to this.

My parents also reassured me that I don’t have to pick a side. It is not either mother or father. It is between them and only them. However, there it is never that easy. One can never stay impartial in a situation like this. It is either mother or father. Choosing one just does not mean getting rid of the other. It just means favouring one.

Mother and father can´t stay impartial themselves. When I am helping one, the other will always question it. ‘Why are you helping?’ is a sentence I constantly hear. It feels as if I need to justify being a helpful person. I get that the tensions are running high and everyone is a bit on edge but that does not justify the fact that I can´t be the person I am.

It just feels as if in this war between my parents, impartiality is not an option. You have to choose a side. No matter what they tell you. Each side has its benefits and disadvantages. If one chooses one side, the other side will never forget. They will always hold the candle above you, reminding you that when you had the choice, you decided to not choose them.

This is just the start of this very long journey ahead. Maybe it will get better and honestly, I hope it does because being stuck in this fragile state of undecided decisions is just nerve-racking. Will mother move out? Will father move out? How will things be when the other is not around? As mentioned, those consequences may not affect me as much since I am moving out myself but nothing is stopping my mind from overthinking this.

Tension wise, nothing significant has changed. The hospitality and hostility towards each other is rather consistent. It just seems as if nothing happened. Mother did not want a divorce and father did not hire a lawyer. It just seems as if everything is as normal as normal can be and that is even more worrying than anything.

If they were at each other´s throats is something I would have expected but instead, nothing really changed. Then comes the question are they getting a divorce or not. Were they just bluffing this whole time? Just being left in the dark about everything just makes everything worse than it already is.

I guess I can only hope for the best and watch, as this problem gets resolved. I want it to be resolved quickly because something out of my hands preoccupying my mind is annoying. I hope that my life won´t be too different from the one I currently have. There is nothing wrong with my life as it is now (or at least nothing I would want to change).

Quick note: I am fully aware that this article is a bit messy and unstructured. It is just a lot of thoughts that just want to come out and no logical order can make this any better.