Why I don´t want children

Photo by Karl Fredrickson (Unsplash)

This article is as the title suggests about children. More accurately about the reason, why I don’t want them. Even with the crowd of people encouraging me to find a man and start a family, I just can´t see myself doing that. (If those people were only this vocal about my real dreams.)

It may be hard to hear that women can decide to not want children especially since that idea of men working and women being at home, taking care of children has somehow been drilled into children´s minds even in this rather progressive century. Sometimes it is just easier to do as people assume rather than stand up and prove them wrong.

In this article, I want to explain to myself what I understand about being a parent in the first place, the social stigma around some women, what the “disadvantages” are of having children and the reason I believe I am not meant to be a parent.

What I understand about parenthood

There is not much I understand about being a parent and what it takes. Frankly, I cannot just take my parents as a guideline, since every parent and every child is different and need different parenting methods to raise that child.

What I do know are the basic tasks every parent have to do. In most cases that is to care for the child and clean up after the child (or teach them how to clean up after themselves). There is so much more to it but I just can´t get into it since I have never been through the experience of having to raise children.

The most experience I have gained with children is when my parent´s friends have them. Sometimes I babysit the child while the “adults” are talking. It was fun just playing with them. That is pretty much it though. I don’t get the full parenting experience, which I am thankful for.

Frankly, I also have to admit that the children of my parent´s friends seem to not like me very much (but that can also be due to my low self-esteem). Those overly honest kids never said it to my face but I always have a hunch when I am around children. This more or less gave me the impression that I am not cut out to be a parent.

It is funny to think about the fact that I was a child once and still do not know what it takes to be a parent. As a used-to-be child, I know I was a pain in the arse causing a lot of “trouble”. However, I don’t know the extent my parents have to go through to overcome these “obstacles”.

Motherhood

As a female, people always assume that one automatically wants to become a mother in the future but I just believe that that expectation can´t be more wrong. Since there are so many other dreams women can pursue, which might not include caring for a child.

I am not saying that all women don’t want children anymore. I am just saying some are considering not to have children and that it is fine. Even though society still has a tendency to frown upon women who don’t want to pursue this ideal of having a child.

Even when I was younger, I had my phase when I wanted to be a mother but as I grew up, my view of the world and my knowledge expanded, I just believe that I have outgrown this dream of wanting to be a mother. I had bigger goals I want to pursue and a more adventurous path I want to take.

However, one thing I can never outgrow is the familiar ideals my family has. In no way am I saying that my parents are hard-core traditionalists who want the family tree to grow. Nevertheless, they do tend to push the idea of having a family on me even though I have made my position clear multiple times over the span of multiple years.

Even with my position very clear, there are still people who think that this is just a phase and I will get over it. Or they could change my mind by stating how happy a child makes them. It is not that I hate anyone currently in my life but I just hate them for questioning my choices.

I know I am still only nineteen and there is a likelihood that I will change my positions in the future but I just believe that this is one topic I won´t change my decision on. This is my life and I just don’t see a child in it whether people like it or not.

Other adults in my life also have a similar stance. Whenever I am casually conversing with them, they have a tendency, intentionally or unintentionally, to ask when I want to have a child. No offence to anyone curious but I just find the assumption annoying and belittling.

For instance, I have never heard anyone ask a boy when he is going to start a family. It was always girls and I find it discredits that girl and what she could achieve in the future. The idea is planted into a child´s mind that may be hard to outgrow and limit the child´s full potential. This is just unfair in my opinion.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not deciding not to have children out of spite and trying to disprove a stereotype (even though I do tend to adore doing that.) Many other reasons play a major role in this decision and the idea of motherhood is just one of them.

Children in general

I hate to say this but I find children somewhat annoying. Children are just a being that needs constant attention and this just clashes with what I like since I like a lot of time to myself. Taking care of an attention seeker for eighteen years just seems overwhelmingly much to me.

Moreover, I believe that children are (I hate to say this but) disgusting especially babies. The messes they make and the messes they themselves are just seem beyond my capabilities to cope. Hiring a nanny to deal with the mess just seems to distant oneself from the child that was supposed to be yours.

I care a little too much

Behind that tough exterior, I believe that there will be some part of me, which would care deeply for a child, especially if that child is my child. If you don’t believe that I have the capacity to care then let me enlighten you with a rather recent story.

Recently, I got a Venus flytrap. Simply because Venus flytraps are just ridiculously cool. They are awesome. Plus they can catch flies (as it turns out they don’t eat all day every day but the ability is still cool.) Fun fact, I called it Dionne because the Venus flytrap belongs to the Dionaea Genus.

Of course, I am not here to write about the Venus flytrap (even though I should some other time). Instead, I want to write about what it meant for me after the purchase of my Venus flytrap and the thoughts, which ran through my head.

Immediately after the purchase of Dionne, I was worried sick. I did not want to commit plant homicide and I was not known for having the green thumb. To remedy my lack of knowledge, I spent an hour or two researching Dionne´s species.

After finding out everything Dionne needs for its survival, I was set to make its wellbeing one of my priorities. The Venus flytrap has very specific needs and those needs are all I can think about. Sure, there were other things I thought about as well but Dionne made it amongst the top. This just kept me up at night.

My point is I care too much about Dionne and I can only imagine what would happen if I was responsible for a child. Dionne is a plant after all and its needs pale in comparison to the needs of a living breathing human child.

What happens to Dionne might not have a huge impact on the world. Whether a plant dies or not is in comparison to a child´s life insignificant. A child will walk amongst social peers and I don’t want to mess up that child.

Moreover, I don’t want to become a helicopter parent constantly hovering over a child and making sure no harm can get in its way. What I believe I am trying to say is that I will put too much effort into a child´s wellbeing and completely forget mine. One cannot take care of a child if one owns well-being is not well.

Learning

First off, I have nothing against learning something new and honestly, against popular belief, I would not mind learning about how to raise a child. The thing about children is the fact that theory and practise is very different when it comes down to it, but that also would not be a challenge I would back down from.

Learning about the child is not the problem. What is the problem is that, as a parent, I would have to relearn many things to explain them to the child. Children are curious and I am not desperate to spread misinformation.

The problem is not the fact that I need to understand why the sky is blue or why we die but the problem is that I have to explain it, to a child. I could not use many of the terminologies I use in my day-to-day life when explaining something to my peers. That just seems like an impossible challenge.

Moreover, being corrected by a child just seems utterly embarrassing. How do I know that? My parents will often be very annoyed if I can correct them. On the one hand, learning something new every day is fun but on the other, the child one raised is more intelligent than the parent who raised it just seems like a painful blow to one´s already damaged self-esteem.

Another problem I want to point out is the education of a child. Even though the parent is not the only one involved in the child´s education, the parent is the main suspect if society deems the child as disorderly. I don’t want to put that kind of scrutiny on any blood relative of mine.

Struggles

One can never talk about parenting without talking about parenting trouble. One of the main things people think about is the financial side of the story. Children just cost a lot and as a scrooge seen in the eyes of my peers, I believe I am not suited for the costs of having a child.

Another struggle, I think about is very gender-specific. No one can talk about children without talking about childbirth. From the many accounts I have heard and experiences I have read about, I just don’t believe I am willing to endure that kind of pain no matter the reward at the end.

A child is also a huge strain on the family. Small discussions can be blown out of proportion and turn into a full-on civil war. I just don’t want my child to grow up in an environment where fear of shouting and paranoia is lingering. My sibling and I are constantly at each other’s throats and I don’t want that hostile environment for my child.

Moreover, I also don’t want to bring a child into this world. With natural disasters on the rise and capitalistic needs overshadowing human rights… It just doesn’t seem fair to bring a child into this kind of world. The stress, anxiety and trauma the child might get are more than I can bear.

The last struggle I want to point out is that I hate to be tied down by the responsibility of children. They are a lot of work and I tend to be annoyed and bored with the same routines every day. However, I can´t abandon a child. At the same time, I don’t want to stick to childcare every day. This kind of commitment is just a commitment I am not willing to make. (Trust me when I say I even have trouble maintaining basic friendships and we are not even blood-related.)

Do people want to have children?

What is expected of me is very different from what others may want. Moreover, I am fully aware that I am biased and against the idea of having a child. However, that should not discourage anyone else to get what they want.

Just because I don’t like the idea, doesn’t necessarily mean other´s can´t like it. Therefore, I have found videos discussing both sides of the child debate. The second video also goes into detail about the statistics of parenthood. Both are interesting videos.

Even though neither video convinced me to change my mind, both have opened my eyes or better put opened my mind to other ideas instead of just sticking to the current ideas I have. These videos may have not helped me with that fundamental decision but they might help you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8RPUJhULLE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kfcsOhgzRA

Conclusion

In this article, I failed to mention any benefits (maybe because I don’t have the emotional capacity to get into details about it and talking about the benefits would make this article way too long. I was not desperate to make this a two-piece article… again.)

To sum up this article in a few words I would say that I turn down the idea of having children due to social stereotypes, struggles and supervision. My reasons against this ideal may be hard to understand for many but I am not asking for understanding. I am asking for acceptance.