Hate

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As a child, I have always been a spiteful little one. Always being angry for no apparent reason and always hating on something for no obvious reason. It is what it is and I never understood why that is. As I grew up, I still don’t. Now you may ask why I am trying to write a whole article if I don’t understand what I am trying to explain. 

Then, dear reader, thank you for visiting my blog it is always nice to have new readers. Here is a little bit of background information. If I try to think about any topic, then I can slowly explain it to myself if I don’t understand that topic at first. Therefore I write articles about topics I don’t understand so I can give myself a chance to think about it and layout all the information so I can make sense of it all. Even if that makes the article less structured. At least it makes sense in my mind and, no offence, that is all that matters.

Let’s start with the present situation. It has been a few years since I was last considered a child even though I am at a weird age where one is neither considered to be a child, a teenager nor an adult. The impulsive hating for no reason has died down significantly even though it is not completely gone. 

There are still things I end up hating greatly for no obvious reason and when I hate something I boycott it completely for better or worse. On the other hand, when I dislike something I would not boycott it, it will just become an opinion of mine. Just a fun fact about me I like to throw out. The more controversial that dislike of mine is the better. 

What I just don’t understand is why I hate something. I want to know the reason. Sometimes it just feels like my brain just decided to hate something completely out of the blue. 

It could be that the person or thing in question just irritated me to an extent where I can’t stand it anymore but that is no ground to hate anything or anyone for. There can’t be any reason good enough to hate someone or something out of the blue. 

There are obvious hates that have every reason to be hated but naming would just be mean and I am trying real hard to be a better person by not being spiteful and bad-mouthing everything and everyone I see.

It just seems to me now that that habit continued on into adulthood and I have no idea how to make it stop since it is not only making my life miserable for actively hating and avoiding the things and people I hate but also for making the lives of the people I hate hard because I am cold and distant when they are around and they are just trying to be nice and they don’t know why I am being like that. If I was a person I hated I would be really irritated because I am a people pleaser and if someone hated me for no reason I would believe I did something wrong even though in this specific case, I didn’t. 

Me having an incredibly short temper and being easily irritated in some situations can make life hard for the people in my immediate surrounding and sometimes that is just a hard fact for me to live with because I am trying so hard to be a better person and sometimes I need a little socialising.

Through my eyes, it just seems that sometimes anger and hate just goes hand in hand since when you are happy you have no reason to hate anything. Nevertheless, if you are angry and everything seems to go wrong, hating comes naturally.

This little piece of information actually makes a lot of sense, considering that during a certain phase of my life the only emotion I felt was anger. Nothing more nothing less. Everything else I felt faked or unintentional. 

During that exact phase of my life, I also notice the sheer number of things and people I hate skyrocketed. In no way does correlation mean causation but in this case, I do believe that correlation means causation since it just seems so plausible.

As a future scientist, I must disclose that I did not do any research in this field since psychology is not my field, to begin with, and I would not know where to start so I could produce reliable results. Moreover, this article is more of a hypothesis and is not trying to prove or disprove anything.

To a certain extent, I have every right to be annoyed by my own anger and act out because of it but it is not fair to myself nor to the people who have to live with me. Therefore I try my best to understand my hate and how to work with it.

Maybe hating is a defence mechanism, since I do have a glowing track record of having a lot of different kinds of defence mechanisms which help me cope with every day. Hating something could be one of them which existence I don’t fully comprehend.

I don’t remember if I mentioned this in my article about love but I probably wanted to say (if I didn’t already) that I don’t adore very much because it is just much harder in comparison to the other option.

Hating something just makes it so much easier to go through life than adoring everything you pass by every day. Because when you adore something or someone, you care for it. If that something or someone turns on you, you are likely to be hurt because you passionately cared for it. 

Hating on the other hand just means that you don’t care for anything and when something or someone happens to hurt you, you won’t be too affected because you did not give a crap about it in the first place.

Since I don’t want to open the wound even more than I have to, I just want to say that I have been hurt enough in the past for caring about something too deeply to know that caring for something can inadvertently hurt you very deeply.

Hating on something or someone is also easier in the case of getting to know the unknown. Just hating something or someone is much easier and less emotionally draining than getting to know that new thing or person. 

I guess I just haven’t yet found the middle ground between love and hate, between caring and indifference to carry on with my life in a healthy manner without hurting anyone in my immediate surrounding. However in my defence finding the middle ground is hard because it is such a fine line and if one should tip ever so slightly in any direction someone is bound to end up hurt, no matter the intention.

Alternative, maybe hating is just my messed up way to tell or show someone or something that I do care. It might sound complicated but just bear with me here. 

I said love is caring for something passionately but since I have been hurt before using that method I changed it to hating since no one would suspect something that I hate would be something I care about.

It would make sense (but only to a certain extent) since when I hate something I would actively avoid it which means I can only avoid it if I have been keeping tabs on the location of that thing I hate and where it is going to be so I can continue avoiding it. However, that explanation is a long shot since first I would never admit such a thing (it’s outrageous) and second it is not plausible and would not be applicable to everything and everyone I hate.

Maybe hating on something or someone is just a scapegoat for my problems. Make sure I don’t have to face the emotions I hate to feel by covering up with something else ie hatred.

To a certain extent using hate as a scapegoat is also a coping mechanism but much worse than the other one in my opinion. 

Using other people as a scapegoat is also a terrible thing to do when one wants to change to become a better person. That is not fair to the scapegoat. 

Maybe I just hate on someone simply because they are better or (at least in most cases) know or have something I don’t and I desperately want. And since I don’t know that person in person it is easier for me to hate them rather figuring out their flaws.

An example of this would be the scenario of not getting the job that you want. If you do eventually find out who did get the job you wanted you would hate that person as well even though in most cases you don’t even know that person and it won’t be fair to them.

If you are an insecure type of person then you will probably start to question your own abilities. What does the person have that you don’t? What did the person do that you didn’t? What is the difference between them and me to make them worthy of that job and not me?

From experience, I can only say that line of questioning only goes downhill from there. It doesn’t get any better, it will only make you feel worse and make you hate even more. It is an endless cycle one does not want to be stuck in.

Maybe I don’t hate, and I am just angry. Having all that pent up negative energy, it is just so easy to push it onto others than to face everything all on your own.

To be perfectly candid, I don’t believe that I am a hateful person per se, but I do believe that this compulsive hating is not rational nor normal. That is why, at the end of the day, am writing this article so I can understand and recognise the reasons in the future.

Writing this article I noticed that all of the reasons I presented trying to explain the reason I hate always have something to do with the fact that hating is just the easier option out of every option available.

As I have learnt from my many hours of watching children's television as a child, I should know by now that what is easy is never what is right and one should not do anything just because it is so easy to do.

One has to put in the time and the effort to become a better person. It does not happen overnight, and neither will it happen if I continue to talk about it but do nothing to remedy this plague in my mind.

Hate is not a personality trait even though I grew up believing that; it is a choice. A choice that we make every hour of every day. It is a choice we have to keep on making no matter how much effort it takes.

Since if we don’t put in the effort to follow up on that choice, the world would be a pretty dark place and we would all be pretty sad people. Since hate does not make us feel better in the long term. It just makes us feel good in the moment.

If you ask me if I rather feel good for a few seconds or for a few years, I would rather choose the years, no matter how loud the stubborn part in my brain is screaming. I would want to put in the effort to be a better person, not only for myself but for everyone around me.

Since I know how shitty it is living with the tormented part of the brain which refuse to be productive and constantly is obsessing over something that does not bring you any joy.