My hometown - Being a foreigner there
Recently, I went on a trip with my old school friend. I am still debating with myself about our current friendship status since I came to the realization that my past beliefs surrounding friendships have been based upon not-so-solid foundations.
However, that is not what I want to write about today even though I should explain friendship to myself in another article on one faithful day someday since it is important to me and certainly something I don’t understand but until then… I digress.
My friend lives in Bavaria and when you spend most of the time in North Rhine-Westphalia, Bavaria will seem like a different country even though it isn’t. Therefore going there on one of the long weekend trips was a much-needed break I desperately needed even though university did not start back then.
Being in Bavaria did not only give me a chance to think about the hometown my friend and I used to share when we were both younger. It also gave me to think about my hometown because of one remark a pass-by pedestrian said… or more accurately shouted.
When we were passing by him, he barked “go back to where you came from” but only in german (obviously. Did you really believe a bigot can expand their horizon beyond one langue?). To be fair, he was not the only one who said that kind of crap to me before but before I did not have a blog to write about it. Now I do and his remark was the most recent of this racist endeavour I had to endure during my life.
It is not as if that remark fazed me as the xenophobe of a man intended it to because much to his dismay I didn’t go back to where I came from. Much more to his dismay, I am a german citizen by birthright, so I have as much of a right to be there as he is. A quick side note here, that man sure loves to live in a tourist town for the fact that he hates tourists.
That remark just unintentionally hit a nerve. It is not as if I lashed out at that man or as if I replied with something unpleasant in return. We just walked past each other, and that was the end of it. Nothing more happened at that point in time.
What that prejudice said just got me thinking about what it means to go back to my hometown. To be fair, I would love to go back to my hometown, it is the place I was born in for crying out loud, it is a place where I want to be, but I am not.
The comment just hit a nerve because Germany is as close as a home could be but I did not look as if I was german myself even though I had the documents to prove that I was legally a german citizen and even had a house in this country.
It just felt as if I was a foreigner in the country of which I was supposed to be a citizen. This is a feeling no one should feel because as humans we are programmed to work in groups and as a society. Therefore, if you feel as if you don’t belong, it can just hurt or at the very least be bothersome even though we hate to admit that.
This is not only the only time I felt out of place in my home country. For this little endeavour, we need to go a little bit back in time to understand.
As I probably have mentioned before, I grew up in Taiwan going to a german school, which just meant that I grew up more internationally than most children or even adults. In that school, the main communication language was (surprise, surprise) German.
As students, we were obligated to learn a third language on top of German and English. For my third language, my mother strongly encouraged me to learn Mandarin because I was living in a Mandarin-speaking country and my mother was a Mandarin speaker herself so it would only be fair.
Therefore, I grew up trilingual, which many would consider a blessing but I would claim the opposite. Being able to speak three languages has its perks, believe me but you also have to believe me that it has its downsides. (For a full explanation check out my other article I wrote dedicated to the trilingual trouble.)
Long explanation short, I learnt three languages at a very young age but not completely. My linguistic abilities are lacking at best. In German, my grammar and spelling suck. In Chinese, I can´t read nor write, which is a significant part of learning a language, especially your native language. And English is not supposed to be the language I prefer to use. In other words, my linguistic knowledge is messed up.
People always say I should cut myself some slack since not many children can speak two languages, much less three at my age. However, this should not justify the lack of effort to fully learn a language properly. I am just sick of having to excuse my lack of grammar when I am speaking my supposed native language.
Growing up multiculturally, I got the chance to visit many countries since my parents wanted me to get to know my heritages, both European and Asian. It is incredibly fascinating to see how cultures can differ this vastly.
Travelling was a big part of my childhood when growing up. During the summer vacations, I get the chance to go to Germany and meet the other side of me. It was also exciting to experience the things exclusive to a country. It was fun and as a child, you are always awestruck no matter what.
Now that I have grown up a bit and lost the naïve lens I used to see everything through. Things just turn significantly darker since I got to know the not so pleasant parts of life that come with being a little bit different from everyone else.
Therefore, when I went to Taiwan during the summer vacation, I just got to hear a similar statement the xenophobe at the start of this article made. This time the person who made that remark was not even trying to be hurtful.
When I ordered something in Mandarin, the vendor obliviously asked me where I was from. Hearing that just hurts since I was born and lived there for thirteen years and I am legally speaking a citizen there. Therefore my first reaction (obviously) was what the fork?
It was right about that moment, I realized that no matter where in the world I am, I will be a foreigner, no matter what citizenship I have. I will always look different. I will always behave differently. I will always just be different. No matter how much I try not to be.
In no part in the world will I find a country with people just like me. There are no multicultural people living collectively in a single country since multicultural people mostly come from vastly different countries. So, no matter where in the world I am, I will not belong, which is a sentiment that needed a few years to sink in.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore being the person I am today because no one can make the same claims and being different is just something I like. However, sometimes everyone just needs a person who not only listens but understands and can relate to those kinds of issues.
Deep down, I know that I belong in the country I was born in and the country I am living in because those countries are my countries. I will never feel the sense of national pride wash over me as many people feel because feeling pride for one country just feels like a betrayal for the other. And frankly, having people blame me for being biased is the last thing I need.
However, it just doesn’t feel like my country if the people living in those countries don’t believe of me being part of that country. An actual member of their society. A person who has every right to be there just like they have the very same right.
Maybe I am just exhausted by needing to explain my heritage over and over again. Whether it is people asking where I am from or people wondering why my face does not match with my name. Sometimes, I just don’t want to be constantly reminded of the fact that I am different. I know I am different I just don’t want people to think of me as being different.
Maybe I am just sick of having to explain multiracialism to adults. In my opinion, adults should be the ones explaining such a complex topic to me not vice versa.
Maybe I am just tired of being different in a country which is mostly not so dissimilar. Of course, everyone is different but not everyone is accused of being a tourist in their own home country.
To be perfectly frank, being a foreigner in your hometown is not even that big of an issue since all I have to endure is a bit of explaining and criticism. In some other countries, people who are different are being discriminated against and that is so much worse than being criticized.
Therefore, I am not only stuck feeling like I don’t belong in a hometown I was supposed to belong in. I also feel like this complete article is pointless, the points I have raised are insignificant, and my feelings about this topic are trivial because some other people have it so much worse.
Sometimes I just want to tell people to shove it whenever they approach me about this topic but that will make me seem like a nightmare of a person and why in the world would I want people to think that of me on top of everything they already think of me?
Maybe I am the only one feeling like this in this world. Maybe not. I will never truly know because we don’t talk about this topic since we are a minority of people and this topic just seems so meaningless in comparison to the bigger issues that need to be tackled.
At this point, after so many years, I am not even complaining. I am just laying out the facts to help myself understand the hard-to-navigate situation I am in. I already spent years trying to come to terms with this special issue and now I believe it is time to lay that issue to rest.
Being who I am cannot be changed (and to be honest, I don’t believe I will ever be ready to risk plastic surgery). Being who I am is frankly (against all odds) something I don’t want to change. I like the way I am and people should just come to terms with it.
All this questioning and cross-examining coming from all around me is not going to change the situation in any plausible way. However, next time I would appreciate it if people would think before they speak. That is all I ask.
There is a hurt little child behind that face. That child would just want to be loved and belong. Nevertheless, the child can feel neither if they feel like constantly being interrogated and judged by everyone around them.
When people believe I have a wall built up inside of me or that I am intimidating, it´s all by design. If people think that I am a rather mysterious or obscure person, it is not because there isn’t more depth to my personality. Everything is in place so life becomes easier for me and not for the people around me.
In conclusion, being multiracial is (just like everything in life) a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you get to experience cultures more in-depth, have a heritage that is unique and enjoy the perks of having more than one citizenship. On the other hand, you constantly need to fend off questions and live with the nagging feeling that you don’t belong even though you do.