Siblings

 

Maybe I didn’t mention it before but I have a brother. A little brother to be specific. Currently, as of the time of this article writing, I am not the biggest fan of him. We don’t hate each other per se but it is rather that we just can’t common ground to talk. However, it used to be very different in the past. Let me explain.

I got a brother two years after I was born. To be very specifically nitpicky, two years and a half. Since I was only two at that time, I can’t remember much at all but I could remember all the attention I was showered with. Not only from my parents but also from my uncles, aunts, grandparents and my parent's colleagues. That attention was special because I was the first-born child in my extended family.

Then came the news of a baby. I can’t remember how I reacted to that news. I can’t remember how I felt about that news. And I can’t remember how I went about dealing with that news. To be perfectly honest, I can’t remember much before he was born and I couldn’t remember anything when he was born either.

The only thing I know for a fact is that my parents got me a doll as a pre substitute. There are even baby photos of me and my doll bro playing around. Of course, he is named Didi because Chinese is such a beautiful language and the only language I knew at that time.

That Didi went everywhere with me because my parents tried to let me get used to the fact that there are four of us now. To be perfectly candid, I adored that doll more than I adored the idea of sharing my parents. 

The next thing I know was that I have a little brother whom I adored. Even if that baby of a boy took away my parents' attention. Even if he made my parent’s life harder and that in turn prevented me from getting the attention I wanted. Even if that cry baby was annoying as hell. I adored my little baby bro and he adored me.

There were moments when I would have preferred being the only child because when he came it was all about him suddenly. My closet turned blue because my parents intended to pass my toys and clothes on to him.

I still remember the time I needed rain boots and my mother wanted to buy the blue ones while I wanted the pink ones. Then she gave me an ultimatum. I forgot what that ultimatum was but I remembered that I didn’t get any boots at the end of the day because at that time I couldn’t stand the idea of walking around with blue boots on rainy days.

For the record, now I love the colour blue, especially turquoise. Maybe it has something to do with my parent's witty shopping strategy or maybe I just grew fond of that colour. I don’t know for sure.

During our shared childhood when neither one of us had the burden of the education system placed upon our shoulders, we played together as children do. Most of the time I would be the one playing with his toys than him playing with mine because someone’s toys needed to be used and it sure as hell won’t be the girly ones.

Maybe playing with my brother made me a bit of a tomboy but not too much. I guess all it made me was a bit of an odd mixture of a person. However, that kind of road is a two-way street so no one was too worried.

When I grew up a bit, I grew apart from my brother as well even though he did everything in his power to prevent that from happening. In my defence, I didn’t have any other choice than go to school. I would have loved to stay at home playing with tiny bro but I couldn’t.

As my schedules filled more and more, all my brother could do was sit and watch. Literally. As a child, I desperately wanted to learn ballet for reasons unbeknownst to me now and my mother being the supportive mother she is, signed me up for ballet classes.

Since my dad is at work and thus my baby brother could not stay at home alone, he came with my mom and me to ballet class every Friday and waited with my mom for two hours until I was done. That whole thing went on for four years before I quit ballet due to reasons still unknown.

At some point, my brother also wanted to do ballet for reasons unknown but at that time he was only four and too young to start ballet in a course for six-year-olds. 

I can remember how my mother reminisced about the times my brother said that his big sister is a pretty ballerina and he wanted to be just like her. It is touching and all but that little boy is long gone now and that is quite a shame. 

My brother was a caring little sibling even though we did not agree most of the time. Sometimes our opinions would clash, and sometimes we fight for days on end but we always knew that we could count on each other. We would even gang up on our parents whenever we disagree with their boring plans. We were each other’s best friends. Inseparable some would even say. 

Then time had to ruin everything for us. As we grew up we also most certainly grew apart even more in my opinion. Years passed by and I started to get into those awkward teenage years where all I wanted was to be left alone.

I guess in a certain way I turned into a grumpy person my brother did not recognise. During those angsty teenage years, I was also really insecure and started pondering about why I have a brother in the first place.

At some point, I wondered if I was enough for my parents. Why would my parents want another child if they already had me? Was I not the kind of kid they expected and they just had to get another child to get another shot at parenting?

At that exact same point, my parents had to reassure me that I only got a brother because they didn´t want me to be alone. They wanted me to have a buddy to play with. Nevertheless, sometimes insecurities get the better of me.

Sometime later, my brother also started school so we didn’t have as much time together as we used to. In school, we also met new people. Sometimes we would even hurt each other just to look cool in front of our friends.

In some sense of the way we both turned into people, we couldn’t recognise. And we both knew it was bound to happen sooner or later since it never could be us against the world if we are part of the world.

In the following years, we just spent the years apart. I spent most of my time with my nose stuck in a school book while he spent the most time with his nose stuck in a video game. Our interests started to drift apart when he liked sporty activities, and I like creative activities.

It didn’t quite occur to me how much we drifted apart until my parents mentioned it. Because we actually used to be quite close and I do have amazing memories where he is playing a huge part in. 

Now, whenever  I talk about my brother it is only part of an insult or just some joke I was trying to make because that is my impression of him now.

Nevertheless, the people who have met us would mistake us for twins. Which is either an insult or a very well hidden compliment. I mean we do look alike but that is where the similarities stop.

Now, in my opinion, my brother turned into one of those black wearing, video games playing, wannabe cool kids. While I believe have turned into a boring sister chasing a degree.

Deep down I believe we still adore each other the way we did when we were younger but it will take more than growing up to make us face those facts.

To a certain extent, I tried to convince myself that the relationship I have with my brother was just a normal love-hate relationship between siblings. When the fact is that it is not. The current relationship we have is one that will end up with both of us forgetting the fact that we have a sibling. 

I guess I just did an awfully good job convincing myself that friends come over little brothers and that whatever me and my brother have is completely normal for a too long time. Now it is a tad too late to turn back.

Funnily enough, when my parents pick up on our destructive behaviour towards one another, they warned us about how relationships can get ruined by this and reminding us that family is forever but we just brushed them off because they did not have a stable relationship with their brothers anyways and we were kids who did not want to listen to parents.

However, that won´t stop me from mending things with my brother even though I am not sure what exactly needed to be mended. Do we need to spend more time together? Do we need to share more interests? How exactly do you fix a relationship when you don’t even know what broke?

Whenever my brother asks for help (which he rarely does), I try my level best to help him in any way I can. Whenever my parents complain about my brother´s behaviour, I try my best to defend him since I believe I went through something similar when I was his age.

To a certain extent I try to be the person, I wish I had when I was his age. I try to defend his actions because I wish someone did the same for me. I try to help him in any way I can because I wish someone did when I was in need of help. I try to talk to him because I wish someone did talk to me. Someone related to my problems and not only give generic advice.

Even if my general toward my brother is rather negative and bitter, I adore my brother very much and sometimes I wish that I have a normal sibling relationship with him because it is nice to know that you have someone to count on.

I can´t say for sure what will happen in the future. Will we turn into our father and uncle, who only occasionally talk to? Will we turn into the kind of people who forget that they have a sibling? Will we go back to how things once were? It may sound cheesy but only time will tell how this sibling rivalry/relationship will turn out.

At the end of the day, I feel lucky to have a brother even though we don’t talk much and I wish things gone a little different. However, this does not take away my credibility when it comes to talking about siblings.

Having a sibling is like having a best friend who is also your worst enemy. A person who you can talk to and fight with. Someone to who you can relate to and are related to. Just a person who will always be there and at the same time not really.