Exam Anxiety
A little know fact about me is that I have exam anxiety for no apparent reason whatsoever. Every person meeting me during that aforementioned exam phase will describe me as uptight, anxious and pessimistic. Not to be mistaken for the other times I am uptight, anxious and pessimistic.
During the exam phase which only lasts about two weeks, you can find me in a state of overconfidence or in a state of possessing battered self-esteem. There is no in-between with the exams. Self-doubt also loves to creep in at my lowest points during that phase.
My point is that I have crippling exam anxiety and today I really want to figure out why that is because exam anxiety does not make sense in my mind at all and I have many exams ahead of me so I should try to understand them now to avoid future anxiety.
Back in the ol’ hunter-gatherers days anxiety in and of itself made a lot of sense. If there was a predator, the response should be fight or flight. However, exams are not that imminent of a fear at all. Exams shouldn’t trigger fight or flight since there is nothing to fight or flee from.
The worst part of exam anxiety for me is not even the preparation phase at all. The worst part is after I wrote that final dreaded exam. During the study sessions at least I could do something for my impending grade but waiting for the grade is where my hands are literally tied and it is driving me crazy.
Luckily for me, I can truly relax when I got my final passing grade. Unluckily for me, the professors love to take their sweet time with the grading of the exams. Some are quick like grading 100 exams overnight quick but some others are not as efficient.
Sadly, I don’t always write passing exams so when the dreaded day of the publication of the grade comes and I don’t pass, I have a tendency to go to retail therapy which takes its toll as well. Either that or I drink my sorrows away. Or I throw myself into work. My point being that my coping mechanisms are not the best.
However, the flawed coping mechanisms are necessary since if there is no distraction I do have a tendency to self-destruct in a not-so-healthy way. Let me be the first to say that that is not a good decision under any circumstance.
After an exam, I also have a tendency to throw temper tantrums since I knew the solution all along but during the exam, I couldn’t think of it which frustrates me, to put it mildly. Of course, it doesn’t last long but I just wanted to mention it.
Long story short, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to exams and writing them. Exams are just bloody stressful and I am surprised that I live to see another day after each time I write one because I am sure I have found a way to break me down completely.
Many people would try to search for reasons for this exam anxiety by looking at parents first since parents are known to put pressure on their children to succeed. Funnily enough, my parents do the opposite of causing exam anxiety… at least now.
My parents were never really relaxed because they always wanted that I have a good career or in other words a good life. Their mentality is that I have to have some sort of education to achieve that aforementioned good life. Frankly, my parents knew that I was a curious child from a young age so they knew that higher education was right up my alley ever since.
They never actively pressured me to get good grades. However, their disappointed looks did whenever I brought home anything worse than a C. Sometimes a C would trigger their disappointment as well.
Nevertheless, this disappointment only seemed to be triggered during my early educational career and never so much now. Now all they are worried about is the fact that I have a tendency to overwork and overthink everything especially when it comes to exams.
Now my parents don’t really care about my grades anymore but they used to so much. A lot. To a certain extent, I believe that stuck around a bit even though they told me many times over that it shouldn’t.
Maybe there is also something I misread from my past memories since memories are fallible at best. At worse… well… that does not matter. My point is the disappointed looks from my parents could have been misremembered or misread.
My parents just like every parent want their child to achieve their goals and get good grades. And frankly, I don’t believe my parents are solely responsible for my exam anxiety. Just like everything in life, there is more to it.
Let´s explore the other possibilities. The university itself for instance. A fact known to every student ever since they first step foot in the university is that once you failed three exams in a row, you are exmatriculated and that just means you can´t continue to pursue the degree you want.
Frankly, and it goes without saying at this point, that fact stresses me out. I mean I never achieved that three-fail accomplishment just yet and I am not will try it out or test its limits. However, you have to understand that I am just frightened by the prospect of not being to achieve that degree.
In all honesty, I already put in so much work so it just feels scary that it could suddenly all disappear just like that because I failed exams. The idea of me failing an exam is not too far-fetched either since I have managed to fail two exams once. No worries, the second exams were both passed but failing them left a bit of a mark… mentally.
However, the point is that it felt so impending. That I could fail an exam three times and have this dream of becoming a scientist one day just pulled out from right under me. This just puts on this pressure to succeed since I don’t want my effort to be for nothing. I don’t want this plan to become just a dream… or a shattered dream after failing three times.
Honestly, the lecturers sometimes don’t make it easy. At the start of the lectures, they would sometimes tell us that if we can´t keep up then maybe we are not made to become the people we wanted to become with that degree. (This is where my competitive spirit kicks in since I want to prove the lecturers wrong.)
Of course, this is the universities way of making sure only the ones who are capable could graduate to become the people they want to become. One of my professors once said that they are educating us to become a scientist and not to drag everyone along.
And to be perfectly honest, I understand that. It is not a secret that not everyone who wants to become a scientist can become one since not everyone is suited to become a scientist. I am just anxious that I might be amongst the people who are not suited to become a scientist.
I can´t remember when exactly I was interested in science, but I can remember that it was from a young age since I adored chasing discoveries & reactions and finding out why some things happen, the way they do. Everything is based on logic, and I liked that kind of world.
My parents were (as mentioned in a previous article about women in STEM) very supportive of me becoming a future scientist. I just don’t want to let them down. Just like how I don’t want to let myself down, especially my five-year-old self who would be devasted if she found out. (Therefore, I am glad to a certain degree that time travel is not a thing... yet.)
Therefore, I think it is time to look at the last important factor playing into my exam anxiety. Myself. It probably goes without saying that I am a bit of an overthinker and that does not necessarily help when it comes to exams.
When exam season comes around and sometimes months before that, I just feel sick to my stomach. No matter how long or hard I study, I just feel as if I could do more and no matter how much I already learnt and memorized, it is never enough.
It just kind of snowballs from there to stress and worries. Sleeping problems. Feelings that I am about to pass out or throw up. Sometimes I even wonder if I could postpone the exam to the next semester to stop all this stress and worry.
However, the logical part of me just stops me, reminding me I can´t procrastinate any further if I want to have a doctorate and a career by the time, I am 32. If I should postpone, it would only prolong my dread and make me take a step back from my dream.
Luckily, I don’t have the tendency to black out during exams otherwise I would be really worried about my mental health. Not that I am not already worried, I would just be more worried than I already am.
And I know many of the people I know are screaming at me right now and I understand where they are coming from. I should stop to worry and start to be nicer to myself. Frankly, I totally get that but tell that to my mind who is petrified of failure and maybe a slight perfectionist.
I know perfection is subjective and there is no point chasing perfection since there will always be something that can be changed to achieve that perfection. There is always something, but I think that I just want what I have planned and that is not too big of an ask.
There is just this voice in my head repeating that I can´t take a year off. I can´t waste any more time. I must do this now or I could never get what I want. My point is that voice in my head is a bit of a strict planner (to put it nicely), and that voice doesn’t like it when things don’t go her way.
Maybe my relaxed approach to studying is stressing her out and that voice just gets louder in return. However, I have to admit that that voice is right sometimes since I don’t study as efficiently as I could. And even knowing that I don’t change a thing about my studying schedule.
The reason being that I am in uni for crying out loud and I want to experience it like a normal functioning student. That means hanging out with friends, going to parties and just living my life. With the strict studying schedule that voice has in mind, I get to do none of it.
Then that voice being that she-devil she is will complain when I don’t get to live out my university days. Blaming me for missing out on that college life. For not having a blast at parties and other events. For not being in a relationship. For doing everything that voice told me to do in the first place.
That voice is just two-faced to a certain degree. Nothing I do will ever please her and yet that voice does not go away. Always there when it shouldn´t be. Always getting louder when one tries to ignore it. It is just hard dealing with that voice. However, then I realize that voice is just me.
My point is that I have some unresolved issues and I am working on those. Nevertheless, it doesn’t help that exams are right around the corner when I haven´t managed to shut myself down when it comes to managing my negative thoughts.
Exam phases
are just hard. At least now I know a little more about my exam anxiety and
where it comes from. Maybe I could do something to change my current ways to
make my next exam phase more pleasant (which I certainly should since this exam
phase is certainly not my last).