Vacations

 

It is vacation season and this means a relaxing break from life even if it is only for a week or two. However, you won’t be hearing from me if I was entertained and relaxed so here I am picking my brain when I shouldn’t.

Truth be told I don’t know how to vacation anymore since I have no idea what I am supposed to do on vacations anymore. Maybe because I hadn’t been on one since forever and every trip I took was more attractions than relaxations.

Let’s just say my parents enjoy an educational tour through the city more than a relaxing day at the beach. After we have grown out of the jump-into-the-pool-to-have-fun-phase, my parents turned to museums and memorials.

I know that on vacation one should just kick back, enjoy a drink and relax. However, I have no idea how to lie there and do nothing besides make sure that one doesn’t get a sunburn. Somehow I also lost this childlike need to jump into any body of water during the summer. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love the beach. The sound of water lapping against the sand. Just the mere movement of water as waves is interesting. The taste of the salty air around me. It is heaven. 

Beaches just mean summer to me. And it just pains me that it no longer holds the promised relaxation like it used to. 

My ideal home would be next to the beach with a lovely ocean view. The only difference being that I could take my laptop, sit by the window looking out and work. Believe it or not, I am writing this article on a beach in Spain on my phone because I have promised my mother and myself that I would take a break from uni if I passed my exams (which to my surprise I did) hence I didn’t bring my laptop on this vacation. 

Of course, there are also things I hate about the beach. For instance the sand. It just gets everywhere and most of the time it is not clean since there are cigarette buds and a lot of other things buried beneath the sand. I am also not the biggest fan of children and they are crawling all over the beach all the time.

The reason I am writing this article is not only because I am immensely bored but I just don’t understand where that childlike relaxing vacation went. How come I can’t vacation like I used to? Why do I feel the urge to be productive? Why am I always thinking and planning for my next big thing which inadvertently makes me more anxious than relaxed? Why can’t I relax?

Maybe wanting to go back to when I was a child is the wrong approach since children are generally more energetic and creative. Things I loved to do back then just seem so childishly boring now. Trust me I tried.

Back then I also had my parents take care of everything while I could just play and have fun. Now I can’t do that since no one is there to look after my stuff if I do decide to go for a swim since I am not desperate enough to have my things stolen when there is something I could have done about it. 

Maybe I am just not comfortable anymore to go crowded places thanks to the pandemic. The beaches and pools are just filled with unmasked vacationers. For all, I know they are probably also not vaccinated and could be carrying a virus that I do not intend to catch during the time I am supposed to relax.

Frankly, I don’t want to catch the virus ever since it would break my 2 years and 8 months corona-free record. Before anyone makes any accusations, I did go out and socialize since it was my first year of uni and for me, it was unavoidable. However, I socialized in accordance with the given health guidelines. 

Maybe the issue is that I am not willing to do things alone. Don’t get me wrong, I am not dependent on anyone but sometimes it would just be more fun if I could share the experience with others. Just jump into a pool without caring who is judging.

Sadly most of my friends don’t have the financial ability to drop everything and fly off with me on some beach vacation (since I don’t consider Germany to have any beaches). Some other of my friends are from a scheduling standpoint unavailable. Our exam phase just clashed or they already have other engagements to attend. 

Maybe the issue is that I may feel as if I don’t deserve a break since I still have so much ahead of me. Even though there are no lectures, I still believe that I need to understand everything since I only barely passed the exams.

I just think I wouldn’t be able to understand next semester if I was already hanging on a thread this semester. I mean I could already start to study next semester's curriculum but much to my dismay the curriculum plans are not so widely available and variable from professor to professor. 

Besides I need a break since I felt as if I could barely breathe during the last semester since everything was so tightly packed. If I wasn’t in lectures, I was in a lab. If I wasn’t in a lab, I was writing lab protocols. If I wasn’t writing lab protocols, I was revising the lectures. If I wasn’t doing that, I was studying for the upcoming exam.

Long story short, I couldn’t breathe and now that I can I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I do some new activities I have always wanted to try? Should I try a new art style I feel inspired by? Should I just have a do-nothing day?

I am jumping between the options of writing another book (which I have been wanting since I finished my last), writing another article (which I should in order to keep up with my posting schedule) or finishing artwork for that bland hallway (which I wanted to do since forever).

However, none of the options listed above coincides with my definition of taking a break and none of those options is viable on the beach. It just scratches the surface since I am not studying or doing anything for uni. 

My point is I cannot breathe when I am doing something and I feel as if I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t. And that, my friends, is a recipe for burnout. The thing is just that I feel extremely unhappy with myself if I don’t do anything and I also feel unhappy with myself if I am being unproductive. 

Therefore how can I go on a vacation in one of the most beautiful vacation spots if I can’t even… live?

Well… Now that my beach vacation ended, I somehow feel empty inside. On the last day, I even pondered the option of staying a few days longer since I just love the sun and beach. I just didn’t want the vacation to end.

And I am glad I was feeling that way since it made me feel like a child again. I just remember the days when I wanted to stay on vacation a few days longer since I didn’t want to go back to school. It felt somewhat nostalgic.

For anyone curious as to what I did on my vacation, I can only say nothing of any sort of importance. I just read books, watched series, and drew some designs I had in mind. I also spent time with my 5x5 Rubix cube. Maybe caught up with a friend or two but nothing more.

I somehow managed to miscalculate the time I had on vacation since I only brought one book and finished it on the second day, which is just frustrating since I had five more days to go and what else could I do on vacation.

The hotel offered some activities such as Volleyball and Water Gymnastics, but I only found out about that way too late (on my last day there to be precise). However, I must admit that it was a nice way to stay active and meet new people at the same time.

However, on my way back, I just regretted the fact that I didn’t do anything on vacation. The spots I could have visited. The shops with their small trinkets I could have seen. The local cuisine I could have tried. There was just so much I could have done but didn’t. Now I totally regret that.

When I got back from vacation, I was picked up by my parents and that is when I found the reason why I couldn’t relax during any given vacation. My parent´s voice just rang so loud in my head when I was on vacation. Repeating the same thing over and over again.

What are you doing on your vacation? Why didn´t do more on your vacation? Is that all you did, lie on the beach? Why didn’t you go sightseeing? There must have been some interesting spots close to you. Why didn’t you visit them?

It was just a lot and it made me feel a tad guilty for not doing anything on my vacation. I mean I get where my parents are coming from. We spent money to go on vacation just to lie on the beach or by the pool, I could have done that at home and for free.

Frankly, I just don’t see a point in vacationing if I have to do something all day. At the very same time, if I don’t want to do anything then I might as well stay home. The problem is that at home it is not a vacation, in my opinion, it is just a lazy day off.

Let me just say this, I have no idea how to vacation properly and I somewhat ruined my vacation wondering how I could vacation properly. I just gave too much of a crap about what other people will things and what could have happened.

There is no point in dwelling on the past but I just somehow want a redo. I could have done a better job of relaxing. I could have had a nicer vacation. There are things I still wanted to do and other things I wanted to try. I just wish I could turn time back.

That is where another kind of epiphany hit me. I must always have it my way. I must always plan everything down to the smallest detail. I must always do things a certain way so I would be satisfied. I always want everything to be perfect.

Frankly, I already established many times over that chasing perfection is just a huge waste of time and I should just stop that. Perfection just impedes the ability to be authentic and creative. It is just so burdening. And I am working on changing that.

In the future, I should just take any chance I get to do the things I so desperately want to do. In my mind, I am always on the lookout for my next adventure but this idea of the perfect vacation needs to go out the window first so I can fully have fun.

Sometimes, I should just let go of not being perfect to have a little fun and do the things I normally wouldn´t do since vacation spots are the perfect place to be the person you are not. You will never go there again so it wouldn’t hurt anyone to try to be someone else, someone you want to be.

Frankly, I just spent a tad too long planning on what I want to do, what I need to do and how I need to do it so I forget to let loose. I kept worrying about many things that might happen in the future that I forget about in the present. (Frankly, I hate cheesy quotes but I can´t deny how true they are.)

So to my future self, I just want to say just do whatever you want to do on vacations since you will regret not doing so. You only miss the shots you don’t take. And have fun on your next vacation.