Body positivity
Now that I am older, I like to think back and see how much I have changed over the years and one thing that I notice is that I am now not so shy about my body as I used to be. But I am confused as to why that is hence this article.
Just like every story, this one starts in the past. When I was younger, I don´t know why but I always considered myself to be fat because I always ate a lot and never really exercised. From a health standpoint, I was in a rather normal weight class for my age.
Nevertheless, I could never really shake the idea of being overweight, of being fat, of looking less than ideal, physically. Every time I look in the mirror all I can see was my chubby cheeks and rather floppy arms. But remember, I was considered to be in a healthy weight range.
Luckily for me, social media was not too big when I was growing up since social media would have only skyrocketed my already flawed views of my own body and what beauty looks like. Social media could have pushed me into a very dark corner.
Maybe this flawed perception had something to do with the teen magazines I loved to read when I was younger. Seeing all those celebrities wearing outfits that highlighted their skinny physique. It kind of just messed with my young mind.
All I knew at that time was they were just born this way. They are genetically blessed with genes responsible for their perfect physique. I didn’t know that celebrities trying to keep their “perfect” bodies would starve themselves, have plastic surgery or exercise a horrendous amount.
When you have celebrities with skinny bodies and not knowing the reason why they are skinny, you can go down the path of believing that something is wrong with yourself even though you are eating healthily and exercising regularly.
Maybe this flawed perception came a bit from bullying. My mind is doing its level best to forget the bullying that has been endured when I was just a child, but I can remember that I have been made fun of for eating too much or for looking ever so slightly chubby.
I have no idea why exactly the whole school seemed to be incredibly skinny. There was no fat kid in my old school. And when there is no fat kid in your school, the students normally pick on the next best thing. A person who is not skinny.
Even without the bullying, I believe that I would have been really self-conscious in a negative way because all my classmates are skinny. It didn’t quite help that most of my classmates are guys and I sure as hell didn’t know that males have a faster metabolic system.
The bullying just made everything so much worse than it already was. Being picked on just makes you feel small and makes you hate yourself. Hate the person you are in your skin. It goes without saying that no one should be made to feel that way, especially at that age.
On top of that, everyone was really good during PE class, and I always fell behind. Since I can´t keep up, someday I just gave up. And I always blamed my physical health for not being skinny. Turned out that there was something wrong with my knee so I couldn’t be good in PE if I wanted.
When I moved away from that school, I learned how to deal with my knee and I learned that PE just needed regular practice to become better. In England, I was really good in PE and I ate really healthy. That did not stop the negative thoughts about my body, but it became something I couldn’t be bullied for.
After a year in England, I moved to Germany where bullying seemed like a long-lost tale. In Germany, I did not feel confident about my body and that was also the time I tried to do something about it. Trying exercises, drinks and looking up weight loss options.
Turns out, that weight loss is not instant. It takes time and effort, which frankly, I did not put in since I thought I didn’t have to. I thought I could drop 5 kg in a week since many news stories made me believe such myths.
I really hate to emphasize the fact that I was in a healthy weight range and did not look any different from my peers. My figure was not identical to the figure of my peers since everybody is different, but my figure did not stand out.
During my last years of school, I ate healthily. I drank plenty of water. I exercised. Physically I was rather fit. I avoided any unhealthy habits. However, I still could not let go of the fact that I hated my body. I just wanted my body to be completely different.
Some days I did binge eat a lot because I was a teenager, and I had a growth spurt I needed to survive. In order to survive this growth spurt, I needed to sustain it with nutrients and energy hence the food.
However, you have no idea how much I hated the fact that I was always hungry. You have no idea how much I hated the food I was eating. You have no idea how much I hated the fact that I actually enjoyed the food I was eating and wanted more.
Now, I know that is not a healthy relationship with food and I am working on changing that. But in my mind at that time my weight and body size were solely controlled by the food I consumed and at that time it was a lot.
Back then, I didn’t know that food is not the only contributing factor to weight. I did not know that food wouldn’t distort my body size. There was so much I didn’t know, and it was slowly eating me up from the inside. It is not healthy to blame something which is not at fault for your problems.
In the present, I don’t believe much has changed but that is where I would be wrong since a lot has changed but only gradually, so I don’t quite notice the big difference it makes. Like people always say great things take time and effort.
Due to the end of the teenager growth spurt, I stopped binge eating and craving unhealthy food. Now due to the quick passage of time, I only eat things that are filling and make me forget food for the next few hours or so.
That certainly does not mean my relationship with food has improved significantly. I am still the person who is reluctant when it comes to eating. For instance, I feel bad if I eat too much. If I did eat too much, I will feel sick to my stomach. As mentioned, I am working on changing that.
Food is frankly not the only contributing factor to this body image issue of mine. Another factor was my view of myself without any influence from any outside sources which in this day and age is a really hard thing to do. Social media, television and magazines are just everywhere nowadays.
Some days, I still think I am a bit fat. However, I no longer see that as an unchangeable issue but rather something I can do something about to change. I don’t see my figure as something unchangeable, I just don’t spend time to change it and that is my problem and not my body´s.
There is always something to be improved on with my figure but as of this article's publication, I am happy with my figure with all its flaws and bumps. It just doesn’t irritate me as much as it used to. At least I have got enough things on my plate to make me forget my body.
When I was younger, I hated my image in the mirror, now I am surprisingly fine with the person I see. Sometimes, I even like to flaunt my figure because I am not ashamed of it, and it makes me feel good about my figure.
Back in my high school days, I didn’t want to wear or own any bikinis because I thought they made me look fat but now I am fine with wearing one and feeling comfortable in it. Mind you, this whole time my body didn’t change.
Maybe my view of my own body changed because I am not surrounded by people who constantly point out every single flaw of mine as a fun pass time for them. Not having them around just makes me feel at ease by not having to be alert all the time.
Just not having to watch what I eat while they could be watching is a huge relief. It is as if I can breathe again. Not needing to seem normal all the time just makes life so much more relaxing. It is just hard to believe what life could feel like without being judged constantly.
Maybe my view of my own body changed because celebrities nowadays are showing their flaws. Now more and more stars are coming out with their insecurities (in an attempt to seem more relatable) but it is a huge help to know that they are killing themselves to keep their perfect figures.
Maybe my view of my own body changed because we as a society have changed as a whole. Our attitudes towards different bodies have changed. It used to be perfection and literally everything else. Now it is everyone regardless of everything.
With the body positivity movement, the acceptance of all bodies, regardless of size, colour, shape, etc… has become somewhat of a norm. The people who used to criticize the bodies of others are being criticized themselves now.
The body positivity movement also allowed many people to step out and challenge the impossible beauty standards set by the industry and media. It makes many young impressionable people realize beauty standards are just social constructs that are somewhat undesirable.
I may not know what the future holds but the body positivity movement should go on. The time when people starve themselves, exercise themselves to death or risk their life for plastic surgery is over. We should appreciate our bodies and not focus on their appearance.
In all honesty, I may not know what exactly changed on my way to accepting my body. Nevertheless, I can say that journey does not end there because accepting my figure is not a one-stop, it is a journey.
As kitschy as that saying sounds, it holds some truths. I came from hating the person I see in the mirror to being fine with that person and maybe flaunting the figure. But I am not completely happy with the figure I have and my relationship with food is currently not so healthy as many people have pointed out to me over the past year.
In the future, I really want to be able to eat food again without feeling bad or sick to my stomach whenever I do. This constant feeling that I need to vomit is somewhat annoyingly disgusting and makes me feel ill.
I don’t quite know what will help with that issue but maybe seeking therapeutical help is a step in the right direction. But if I have learnt anything on this journey, is that I can´t just drop this slight obsession over my appearance so seeking help might even be fundamental.
In the future, I also want to be able to exercise without feeling the need that exercising needs to fulfil a purpose besides being a fun thing. Because currently, it feels as if I have the urge to be active just to make myself look good in front of others and myself.
No lie but I really like to do sports because I perceive it as a fun way to socialize and a healthy way to let my competitive spirit run free. Sports is also a great way for me to let loose and forget about the rest of the world even for an hour.
In the future, I should not pay too much attention to the media surrounding me trying to convince me the way I look does not conform to the ideal picture of perfection. Sometimes the best thing to do when you hear voices is just to shut them out.
I may not know exactly what the future holds but for me it holds a more body-accepting version of myself. A version who does not judge others or myself. A version who does not feel bad for normal things. A version who just appreciates things as they are.