Friends

 

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV (Pexels)

About some time ago, I was writing a letter to my best friend. Not because we wanted to revive the art of the written letter (as of the writing of this article, she does not know those letters exist). It was because I was bored and it popped up as a suggestion when reading through articles.

Not only did I write two double-sided letters in the span of two nights, but I also managed to give myself some time to think about friendship, especially my friends in general. What makes friends… friends and what it takes to keep friends together.

On the top of my head, I can think of ten friends and that is pretty much all the friends I have and all I want to be fair. The best part about those friends is that they are not from the same social circles so every one of them has a different story to tell.

When it comes to friends, I don’t think I need more but I am on the constant lookout for more because I want to spontaneously go out with my friends and not plan five weeks in advance. Personally, I hate planning since it gives you too much time to romanticize the day and when reality does not match with the ideal, people will be disappointed. Anyhow, I digress…

The reason why I didn’t want to approach this topic at first is simply that I thought I needed to be 100% sure about my definition of friends to write about it but it turns out that every friendship defines friends differently and the definition is fluid so waiting to gather all the data would be ridiculous and a huge waste of time.

At this point, it probably goes without saying that friends never came easy to me. I used to attend a private school with few peers which already limits the potential pool. Most of my peers were bullies which eliminates them. This only leaves a few.

I did have friends back in private school, but I never really considered them to be friends because sometimes they would be really mean and make it feel as if it is my fault. I just learnt too late that that was not how friendships worked. Friendships shouldn’t be conditional.

Going through school without friends was not fun. There was no one I could share my experiences and secrets with and on weekends had no one to go out with. It was a lonely life to lead, which has proven to be useful in the future, but I didn’t know it back then.

Due to this lack of trust for people who call themselves my friends, I always had a hard time making friends in a natural way. As time passes and fewer friends stayed, I had I turned to another method that guaranteed more success than the ordinary way of making friends.

For reference, my parents always accuse me of taking the concept of making friends way too methodical. Therefore, when I say the natural way of making friends is going up to people and talking to them. My complex method is… different.

Before I get to my way of making friends now, I want to share a passage from the letter I wrote to my friend since it explains a bit about what I am thinking and the actions I am taking when it comes to making friends.

“In my mind friends is a strategy game. You win some, you lose some but the one who sticks with you through it all is a true friend. At the end of the day, I always won because no matter how many friends I lost, I saved a lot of time by not wasting it on them.”

“From observations, I make a risk-reward analysis to figure out if I wanted to befriend them or not. You can say I am just paranoid like that. Every time I decided to overcome my shy nature was because a friend benefitted me the most than being alone. A risk-reward analysis played over and over again until they leave, or I cut them off.”

When I wrote I like spontaneity, I lied to a certain extent. Because everything in my life is planned. Every encounter, every move, every friend. However, I just hate how much I plan everything down to a T, but it seems as if I can´t help myself anymore.

Let’s just say that none of my friends was an accident. Most of them are befriended with pinpoint precision much to their unknowingness. Friends are no accident with the exception of acquaintances who are not friends.

Before I talk to anyone, I like to make observations. From years of experience, I know that people with no friends are more open to making new friends in a new environment. Therefore, I like to look for people who seem rather lonely, which seems like something really rude to say but it is the truth.

From those first deductions, I like to guess the kind of person they are and the friends they are going to make. Someone who seems too cool and overconfident is likely to leave you alone at a party, therefore, I like to look for rather shy and held-back people because those are my kind of people.

I am not going to deny that shy people don’t make the best company, but I do understand that shy people are generally more open to deeper talks and not just surface-level small talk. Generally, I like people who are open-minded and have intriguing opinions and overt interests.

The last item on my make-a-friend list is how to approach them. Some get easily intimidated so they like someone who doesn’t draw too much attention, others like a confident and self-assured friend. Therefore going on the impression, that they leave, I try to converse the way they would expect me to or want me to.

To a certain extent, you can say that I am just a rather dynamic friend who always changes to the needs of my friends. When my friends love to talk, I like to listen to their interesting stories. When my friends love to listen, I like to talk about things that I think would interest them.

My worst nightmare is when two of my friends would meet and talk about how I am as a person/friend. They would end up with different stories and very confused at the end of that perplexing conversation.

That is my step-to-step guide on how I meet new people. Again, this way is unconventional, to say the least, and many don’t appreciate it as much when they found out that they didn’t get to know me by sheer coincidence.

If I can be honest, I just dislike how I put in all the effort to make a friend and come out with nothing. When I approach anyone, I know for a fact that they would stay with me and up to now, I haven´t been proven wrong yet.

This is the part of the article where I think that I need to define a friend since I seem to struggle with the exact point in time when an acquaintance of mine becomes a friend of mine. I know for most people it is irrelevant and different for each person but I want to know.

The reason for this nitpick is simply because I can´t really tell when acquaintances become friends. Frankly, I don’t want to seem as if I am socially saturated by calling everyone I come across a friend, but I don’t want to seem like a priss either.

My current tactic is waiting for others to call me a friend before I ever start to consider them to be my friend. However, I hate to break it to myself that that strategy is not the best approach to friendship or general acquaintances.

The main reason is that friendship is an unspoken rule. People generally consider each other friends but never say it out loud, which puts a dent in my weird strategy of differentiating between friends and acquaintances.

A way to get past this obstacle is to listen to the conversations between your maybe-friend and hear what they call you. Let me explain, I was standing next to my friend once when she called her father for a favour.

Somewhen, she asked her father if her friend can hitch a ride with them because I needed a ride home. At first, I was surprised to hear that she called me a friend but the second after I felt happy. Something warm flooded my senses on that cold rainy day.

After she hung up, I idiotically ask if she actually meant it when she called me her friend. Shruggingly, she told me she meant it, but she immediately turned in my direction and slightly worried asked if I would see things differently.

That is when I found out that the question, I asked is idiotic, to put it mildly. From that day on I decided not to question anyone´s friendship if they are willing to consider me a friend to their parents. I know it is a lesson learnt too late but a lesson learnt anyways.

As for my response to that rather perturbed question my friend asked me, I cannot remember my exact response but I responded something along the lines of I did not know when people would consider other people their friends.

From that day on, we were friends and unluckily for her, she had to live with my indecisive mood swings. There were some ups and downs as anticipated but she stuck with me through it all and I never questioned our friendship ever since even though we might not talk every day.

Photo by Oliver Sjöström (Pexels)

In my mind, that is what friends are all about and I didn’t doubt my definition of friendship at all. My problem with friends was always how to make them and how to maintain the friendship that has blossomed.

The thing is time tears things and people apart. Friends most of all. So, I have no idea what to do when that happens. We all go down different paths but the past connected us. However, sometimes I just fear that the people I am close to will disappear for no apparent reason.

The worst case for the end of a friendship is that the people I consider to be my friend disappeared from my life because of me. Since I am known to have the tendency to push people away who are way too close for comfort.

Being too invested in your friend's life can scare friends away but being distant does not make anything better. There is a fine line between the two of those options and I am not happy with either of them.

Let's just say that I am sad to see my friends become more distant with every minute that passes but that is just life and because of that I do not take friendships so lightly. If friends come, they better be here to stay for the long haul as well.

I am just somewhat sick and tired of making friends and seeing them leave the next year. After they left, they seem to have completely forgotten you (I am not saying that we should spend every hour together when we are apart but a text once in a month would be nice… you know?).

In other words, I am just exhausted by false promises. People claim that they would stick with you and leave you the next. This left me with an onerous fear of abandonment and that is just a burden for any future potential friend.

Everyone has their own life to live, and friends are just part of the journey. They won´t stick it through for the whole ride but they will be there for some of it. Just as in any relationship, it is only temporary whether you like it or not.

I guess, my problem is not as much with friends but rather with the concept of time. It is just hard seeing your friends living their lives while you barely can pull yourself together. However, they are sometimes there when you need help putting your life together. Sometimes they are not.

In other words, I guess I should focus on the times my friends were there instead of the times when they “abandoned” me. Friendships are focusing on the fun and sad times together than rather focusing on the times apart.

Edit: In this article, I didn’t mention as much about the science behind friendships which is odd for me because I am all about science. Therefore, here is a Ted Ed video explaining the concept of friendship which I found informative.