Online Dating Pt. 3
Last time, I won’t deny it but I was venting and maybe not as objective as I could have been. In my defence, it just took me some time to realize that people on online dating sites all want something different hence it is not easy to find what you truly desire.
This time, I won´t deny that I will be venting as well but trust me not as much since I manage to distance myself from the matches and the online dating app. Therefore, I might have a more objective view on this whole matter.
Before I jump into today's lovely topic, I want to disclose that I made myself draw up an agreement (for myself) so I wouldn’t jump ship when things got hard (because that is something I do sometimes) (It is better that I won't elaborate).
That agreement entailed my concerns, my past with relationships (and the reasons those didn’t work out), my present feelings, my future, etc… The details are irrelevant, my point is that I had to write the agreement and that says something about my current state of mind.
Last time, I left after I talked about how things felt pretty one-sided and the matches don´t seem to be able to see past the picture and the jokes. From a data standpoint, this experiment is actually going fairly well all things considered but emotionally this experiment is putting me through hell.
Frankly, I don’t believe that I would get so emotionally invested in this experiment in the first place but to recreate the online dating experience, a little bit of emotion should go into the mix. I just don’t understand how it could have gotten this out of hand.
Even with the few people who have annoyed the shirt out of me and made me despise online dating for the rest of my life, there were a few guys who are actually decent. Who would respond timely, who would not ghost, and who would put in as much effort as you do (or at least some effort).
Some part always knows that I am bound to go out with some of the guys that I was texting because that was how dating works. However, let´s just say the journey there was a bit hard because there were many obstacles to overcome.
One of the obstacles is security. Even if you have been texting someone for a long time, you don’t really know the person on the other side. To put it into a few words (or one word in this case) catfishing. This is a huge issue, especially on dating apps.
There is no surefire way to avoid catfishes in the dating app sea. To be on the safe side, choose a public location for the first date. There is no harm in a cute café on a public street filled with many patrons who can help in case things go south.
With the dates, I have been matched with, I did meet with them in public locations. With one, I went to a pub in the evening for some cocktails. With another, I went to a climbing park. We did need to walk there through empty roads to get to the park but I am fine so no worries there.
Frankly, I am not the kind of person who would cancel last minute because that just seems incredibly rude. I might be mean but I don’t want to come across as rude as well. However, with the dates, I was just seconds before sending off that cancellation text.
Again, the issue with me jumping ship when things got hard. However, thanks to that contract, I couldn’t do that to myself even though I desperately wanted to. Nothing against the guys but meeting people online was just out of the realm of possibility for me.
Before each date I went on, I felt sick to my stomach. I just felt antsy before I met them. Since I am somewhat of a perfectionist, I did want to look the best and be on my best behaviour. That just made me nervous, and I just hated it.
Normally, I only get nervous when I am doing something important like a presentation or something creative like a performance. Dates don’t fit in either category therefore it was a new feeling and the worst feeling possible before any date.
Nevertheless, I have been told that feelings of nervousness are completely normal when getting to know someone in a romantic sense of the way. Logically, I can´t think of any reason as to why people would put themselves through this but I guess I can understand.
The dates I have been on went fairly well in my opinion. Nothing too awkward. No big slip-ups. No huge disagreements. Nothing too out of the blue. However, I must admit that I didn’t give any of the dates a fair shot since I knew it wasn’t going to work out.
What happened on the date is irrelevant but during each date, I could only calculate the time I would have available for them if things go right and we continue dating. I guess I can say that my heart wasn’t in the right place and the whole time this felt like an experiment.
When the date ended, I somehow feel a bit empty. I just see them walk away. Nothing really stuck with me after I left. The smile on my face faded the moment I knew they weren’t looking because no date went the way I thought it would.
In all honesty, I just romanticized the whole dating shtick to an unreasonable degree. It could have been because things didn’t click when I went on a date with the guys or it could have just been that I have high expectations that weren’t met.
If I can be frank, I did list all the things I wanted to say and all the things I wanted to ask. However, in the spur of the moment, I stutter and nothing comes out. It just feels as if I have failed myself because things didn’t go exactly as planned.
In another sense of the way, I expected that the guys were someone they were not. I had a picture in mind of the people they could be from the information given on their profiles and the things they texted but that picture is not reality.
Therefore, during the dates and after, reality just came crashing down and I am just left with a sense of disappointment. I seriously don’t dislike the guys I went on a date with since they were incredibly nice but something felt off with all of them which might have ruined some things.
After the date, I am just waiting for them to text. They never did. During those days, I just keep questioning myself. What did I do wrong? What could have gone better? Do I even want to see them again?
In no way am I saying that the dates went terribly but I just hated that I needed to question myself like that. I just hated the feeling of being unsure of my decisions and I just hated that I am left in a state of not knowing.
After four days, I texted them. Some would be straight with me and tell me that it wouldn’t work out in the long run. Funnily, I would gladly agree with them because I didn’t know how to tell them myself. With some others, the conversation just died out.
Honestly, I just hated the fact that I went out with someone who it wouldn’t work out with. However, after things were put into perspective, I understand that I will never know if I never went on a date and got to know them.
Multiple times during this experiment, I had to ask my friend for advice because I was just simply overwhelmed by everything and I didn’t know what to do most of the time. I have never done dating before so what should I do next?
As it turns out, dating is not a simple recipe one can follow to get a great and lasting relationship. Dating is a game of compromises. You are willing to accept a certain trait of your date that you detest and you get a great trait you never know you like in return.
Of course, dating is not that simple but down at its core, it is getting to know someone new with whom you could start a relationship and maybe spend the rest of your life with. That is what dating basically is.
Certain dating tricks you have up your sleeves might work with some but not with others. It is just making approximations and seeing if your presumptions are correct. It is just trying until something starts to work.
Nevertheless, as much as I like experiments, this experiment is not working out for me. Sure, I went on a few dates, got to know people with varying histories, and had a little fun during the hours I would have spent bored at home.
As much as it pains me to say, I don’t think I am cut out to date anyone currently. My heart is and was never in the right place. I would date for selfish reasons, and I don’t believe that is fair to the person I go on a date with.
This dating experiment just made me realize that I don’t truly want a partner, I just want someone, so I don’t end up alone in this world full of couples. Deep down, I am just scared to miss out on the fun things couples do or even the feeling you get when you hear those three special words.
In another fear, I just fear that I will die a virgin. Not that being a virgin is necessarily a bad thing, but I just want to have a little fun and gain some new experiences. I might find out that it is not for me and that is okay too.
Long story short, I am not dating because I want to find my significant other, I am just dating because my logic behind dating is fuelled by fear. Don’t get me wrong, a significant other is nice, but I don’t want to find him when I am clearly not reassured by the right intentions.
This is just my way of saying that I am taking a break from dating for a while since this experiment, even though it taught me a lot, has drained me and I currently have other things that need my full attention e.g., the upcoming exam.
Dating using dating apps just feel forced to a certain extent and does not truly feel as if it was meant to be. It felt as if some desperate lonely people want someone to hang out with so they feel less lonely in this world.
Nevertheless, I did learn a few things as well. For instance, go on a date as soon as possible. If all questions were asked over text, then you have nothing to talk about on your date. Another thing is to end all text with a question since that just ensures a response if they are interested.
If I had a chance to redo everything, I wouldn’t have taken every word texted too seriously. I should have let loose and let things go with the flow. If things didn’t work out, that is okay. If they did, it is great. However, forcing things is never the solution.
From this experiment, I also found out that not everyone you meet on the internet is catfishing you or has bad intentions. Turns out many just want someone to love and someone who loves them back. At the end of the day, isn’t that what we all want?
Dating apps are not for everyone as I have found out the hard way. However, nowadays it feels like the only way to find a person you didn’t know before or from a friend. Whether it is for everyone or not, dating apps will continue to grow and it is best to find a way to deal with them.