Parents (II)

Last week I discussed the effects of being a strict parent and what could be done to avoid the consequences. This week I wanted to look at the rather laid-back parents. Honestly, I am more familiar with strict parents for obvious reasons but I wanted to share my thoughts on the other side of the spectrum so bear with me. Strict and laid-back parents mainly differ in the amount of control they want and have over their children. As already mentioned in the other article, my mother is rather strict while my father is rather laid-back. Having experienced both parenting style in one way or another, I believe that my mother had more influence over me than my father did since my father was not that controlling. In no way am I saying that my mother or father was a better parent but I just believe that strict parents generally can pass on more of their ideals onto a child. In other words, I believe that strict parents have a more active influence over their child while laid-back parents have a more passive influence over their child. This can either be a good or bad thing. Not saying that a parent should not shape their child but I am also not saying that parents should shape their child. Parents should do something in between in my opinion but just the phrasing of the previous statement made me realize how confusing this is.

Just like strict parenting style, laid-back parenting style can also be split into two subgroups. Permissive and uninvolved parent. Permissive parents are caring but not strict with rules. While neglectful uninvolved parents show neither strictness nor warmth. Unlike uninvolved parents, permissive parents have a friendly parent-child relationship with open communication. While uninvolved parents have no specific discipline strategy and lack communication with the child. Permissive parents allow children to make their own decisions instead of making them follow rules. Permissive parents also set low expectations for their children. Uninvolved parents, on the other hand, have no expectations from their children and don´t really care about their children. Permissive parents will raise children with poor self-control and who are unable to follow rules. On the other side, uninvolved parents will raise children who are impulsive and have difficulty regulating their emotions. Parental neglect could cause mental health and behavioural problems. As adults, children with permissive parents develop egocentric behaviour and have relationships problems. While children with uninvolved parents may require support or help from others to survive. Again, this is what I read in parenting books while researching this topic. However, I would disagree with the last argument. I believe that children with uninvolved parents would be more independent since they have to grow up all on their own and do not need help whatsoever, but I am no expert. And again, I hate to put both terms under one umbrella terms since that is just ignorant but for simplicity sake just bear with me.

There are some aspects of strict parenting that I like and some aspects of laid-back parenting that I like. However, one thing that I hated about laid-back parenting is just a feeling of neglect. The parent is always doing something else. My mom mostly raised me since my father was always working or doing something else. Father is a short-tempered man who I barely know since we can´t sit down and have a proper conversation. Maybe it was just the different interest that drove me away from my father but I sincerely doubt that he noticed since he is busy anyways. In the past, I always would tell my father about everything but after realizing that he does not listen and will not remember I just gave up. I am in no way trying to paint my father as the villain here since he was there for me … financially. There is part of me that really wants to know my father but he just can´t remember anything and just have an “I do not care attitude”. With all due respect, I also sincerely doubt that my father likes to be wrong. It could also be the stubbornness that drove me away. Therefore, it comes as no surprise that I am only talking to my mother. I also believe that I have a better relationship with my mother also because I can talk to her about everything (technically not about everything). She always seems to have time if she is not stressed and we could talk about anything from fashion to moral mind-benders. It feels like she would actually listen to understand, not unlike my father who listens to respond and argue. Even though mother was strict and had high expectations, I always felt like that I could talk to her but it just did not feel the same with my father and I am not sure why. Maybe because my father does not have the same interest or he just can´t lighten up. Father always seems uptight for some reason. This may have something to do with work but he needs to loosen up (and I don´t mean this in a bad way). This may probably also have something to do with how father was raised. Just by the way, how he talks about my grandparents tells me something about their relationship. He barely talks about my grandfather since he was always working and my father was mostly raised by my grandmother. Even though, I also know for a fact that my father and grandmother often have verbal fistfights or disagreements, as they like to call it. Long story short, my father may have applied how he was raised onto his own parenting therefore I am mostly raised by my mother while he is working.

I believe that my father is a laid-back parent because unlike my mother he would actually be happy with my grades and be proud of me as a person (if he actually remembers to ask). Father would often use successful people like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs as an example that I do not need to get the best grades and go to the best schools to be successful, which felt freeing in comparison to my mother’s pressures to go to university and get a degree. (Now it may become painfully obvious why strict parents and laid-back parents do not get along while raising the same child.) Therefore, the aspect of laid-back parenting I always enjoyed was the fact that there are little to no expectations. Being free from expectations just feels freeing as if there are no tons of bricks pressing one down. With no expectations, no one will be disappointed. Just the disappointment in someone´s eyes can just really hurt especially if one is trying to impress them and make them proud. Therefore, with laid-back parents, it did not feel as crushing as it did with strict parents. With no expectations, it just feels like one can fail as often as one wants. The disappointment of failure does not exist with laid-back parents who are encouraging instead of burdening. I believe that laid-back parents generally live by the ideology that one will learn from their mistakes therefore they encourage mistakes and failures so one can stand up and try again. However, I could not help to wonder if there is a limit to how often one can make a mistake. Mistakes are supposed to make us learn but if one repeats the same mistakes repeatedly it got me to wondering if there is a limit where laid-back parents would take charge and tell their children to stop. Strict parents would make sure that the mistakes could never happen again but what about laid-back parents. Thanks to my mother, I never found the limit where my father would tell me to stop making these silly mistakes over and over again.

In my opinion, there is also the aspect of being too laid-back. I know a few people whose parents are both permissive parents unlike me with one strict and one permissive parent. My peers with laid-back parents had little expectations to fulfil but they did not seem to have set expectations for themselves either. Let´s just say that it came as a bit of a shock to me when I heard that they did not have a goal and just went with the flow. That feeling must be liberating. However, I could not help to wonder what a life with no goals will look like. Even with my father´s laid-back parenting, my mother´s strict parenting seems to always get the better of me. I cannot imagine a world where I did not set expectations for myself. Maybe that is a good thing or a bad thing, I do not know, but I know that I always had certain expectations for myself. If I met them great but if I didn´t … well … I would have been disappointed in myself and try to do better the next time. My peers with permissive parents on the other hand did not have any expectations for themselves and always seemed to be incredibly happy as if nothing in the world could bring them down. For unexplainable reasons, I was always worried for them. I would ask them questions like “what would they do in the future” or “what will happen if that plan does not work out” since I know that they can´t and do not want to live with their parents for the rest of their lives. However, my worries seem to be misplaced, since they just shrugged it off saying that they will find something else, which is something I personally do not know how to live with. In life, I always have a plan and a backup plan just in case, therefore I had no idea how people could just live. This may also be the reason why I can´t really relax since there is always something to do. I started this blog not because someone forced me but I just needed to do something productive since lying around and sleeping is not an option for me.

As mentioned above, I am more exposed to the strict parenting style therefore I don´t have a lot to write about laid-back parents. I just can write how it feels like in comparison to strict parenting since I do not know any other standard I can compare parenting with. Moreover, I am sure that I missed other important aspects of laid-back parents that I should have mentioned. This may be the reason I might publish another article about parenting in the distant future since after finishing both articles, it just feels like there are many words left unsaid. I do not believe there even enough words to describe how different parenting style feel like for a child. However, I do hope that I managed to put a few things into perspective and made you reflect on your own experience or even your own parenting method. Then again, you could disagree with me completely, which is totally fair, since everyone can experience different things. Again, everyone´s perception is different. To a certain extent, we are just limited by the words that we can use to describe those experiences. The words we have available may not come close to describe some experiences, since words sometimes just won´t do and are not enough. Therefore, if you have a different opinion, please do let me know since I want to be more inclusive by including opinions from different people with different experiences and backgrounds. It may seem trivial but the differences can be interesting and fascinating even (for me at least).

With both parenting articles, I am not trying to convince anyone of any parenting method. I also just wanted to add that I am fully aware that I am being a bit bias in both articles. From writing both articles, I realized that I still have many issues I need to work out with both of my parents even though they stepped back as parental figures. However, from writing those articles I also figured out why I have those issues with my parents in the first place. Just knowing that the answers are right in front of me the whole time, just frustrates me. I know that I have mentioned this in the other article but with this article, I just realized how important it is. If you did not figure it out already, it is just talking. Communication is just not something that makes society works but communication generally makes relationships work. Between partners, between colleagues and between friends. Those relationships may be important and can affect a person to a certain extent but the most important relationship is the one between parent and children. The parents may have a falling out due to the lack of communication but the communication between parent and child should always be consistent. Too much and it may seem as if parents are being nosy. Too little and it may seem as if parents do not care. Just like everything in life, it is a fine balance. One will get it wrong but that is just part of the process to find the thin line separating one thing from the other. A quick side note, everyone is different so the balance will differ from person to person. I wanted to stress that communication between parent and child is important mainly because I believe that communication or in this case, the lack of communication led to the issues I have with my parents in the first place. I am fully aware that one conversation won´t solve it all but it is a start. Another thing. I hate to put this pressure on parents but they can literally make or break a child therefore they should be careful and make sure that the lack of communication is not the reason they break a child.