Parents
I always find it funny that parenting books are always written by a parent for another parent. The books about how to raise a child are not written by the children it is supposed to raise. I know what a lot you are thinking already. “Children don’t know what they need and how they need to be raised to become successful adults in the future.” I do agree with that statement since children can be immature and still have a lot to learn. However, the parent does not know how to raise children either since each child is different and should be raised differently. Not saying that one should let a child raise itself since that would be neglectful but people do need to remember that a child is a living breathing being that has feelings and needs to be treated accordingly. People just drive themselves crazy trying to raise a perfect child who will grow up to become a successful model citizen. Hate to burst that bubble but that is just not possible. Even if a child is raised perfectly (which is impossible since other factors also play a role) there is no guarantee that the child will become successful since other factors come into play as well. Long story short, parents have a huge impact on a child’s life but parents can´t control everything. Nonetheless, I do believe that it is important for parents to know the child´s perspective as well since one will need to know how a child thinks to find the best way to raise it. Parenting is a team effort where everyone needs to do his or her part. If one completely ignores a child needs and raise them, however one wants the child may grow up despising its parents or being overly dependent on its parents. Therefore, I want to put out a few things from a child´s perspective. Whether one still considers me a child or not does not quite matter. I can still remember a few things from my childhood where I wish my parents would have just talked to me instead of making assumptions.
Normally I hate to categorize anything into any kind of category since I believe that there are some criteria’s of the category that a person or thing does not meet once they have been sorted into that category. We generally categorize people and things into different categories because it is easy and understandable. Therefore, for simplicity sake, I am just going to say that there are two different parenting types. There are strict parents and laid-back parents. For this article I just want to focus on strict parents otherwise this article will be too long. I believe that most parents are a mixture of parenting styles but each parent has a more dominating parenting style. From descriptions of the parenting styles, I believe that my mother is a rather strict parent while my father is a laid-back parent with strict moments. Each parenting methods have advantages but each has their disadvantages as well. In other words, each parenting style leaves a different lasting impression on the child. Of course, none of the parenting styles is perfect. The best would be a perfect balance but as we all know perfection is relative. I don´t believe that there is a perfect parenting method just like there is no perfect human but we can get close to perfection when we understand everything and its consequences. With the information, we can change our behaviour and learn from our mistakes to get closer to perfection each day.
In parenting books I read, the authors of those books always called strict parents authoritative or authoritarian parents. There is a difference between authoritarian parent and authoritative parents. For one, authoritarian parents are controlling, strict and not nurturing. While authoritative parents show both strictness and warmth. The authoritarian parents have high expectations with little room for change, while authoritative parents have room for communication. Authoritarian parents will raise children who are less independent and unhappy. While authoritative parents on the other hand will raise happy and independent children with good self-esteem. Even though parents try, there is no way of saying how the child will turn out in the future. Therefore, one can try to get close to good parenting by learning about parenting but there is no 100% guarantee that a child will turn out fine since again other factors come into play here as well. I hate that I put both terms under one umbrella term since one can have an in-depth analysis of both styles and speculate about their consequences. However, for simplicity sake, I had to.
In no way am I saying that my parents are strict since sometimes they are not. In my opinion, it is just dependent on other factors as well. However, to this day the most memorable thing about my parents would be the strictness of their parenting since I have a tendency to remember that one bad time than the other hundred good times. As a child, my parents always described me as that sweet and shy child but as soon as I started to change, it felt like they took drastic measures trying to keep that sweet innocent child. I believe that my parents turn into strict parents once I reached my teenage years. Turns out, my parents are just not prepared for my teenage years when I start having a mind of my own. Therefore, in my teenage years when I am figuring out who I am, my parents were rather strict. There are sometimes I “talked back” even though I was just trying to tell them my side of the story. Studies show that teenagers who argue with their parents are less likely to be peer pressured into bad things. Therefore, I do not believe that talking back to my parents was a bad thing and if I had a chance to change the past I would not change that aspect. I always talked back since I liked a good discussion. My parents did not appreciate that as much, which lead to tons of intense arguments. At the end of the day, we all had a flaw in our argument and technically nobody was right. Alternatively, I could have been right and my parents just believe that I am being disrespectful even though I was just stating the fact. In my opinion not being right as an adult just led to my parents being annoyed with me.
When my parents were annoyed with me they would turn to threats and punishment. For punishment, my parents always took away valued possessions. Now, it would be items like phones and computers but in the past, it was toys and other items. They are only taking away what we value most hoping it would teach us a lesson. In parent’s opinion, they probably believe that punishment teaches some kind of discipline but I can just say that it teaches resentment. Which is sort of contra-productive now thinking about it. There are even studies that show that children who are punished are more likely to defy parents, have more aggression and mental health problems. Not only does punishment teach resentment and have negative side effects but it also teaches many other rather useful skills. Children who are often punished tend to learn from their mistakes and do better the next time. Punishment teaches us how to not get caught by cheating, lying and hiding. We learn how to recognize footsteps and hide things just in time. I have learnt how to be more observant of my surroundings to find hiding spots and to know when and who is coming through the door. My parents are still shocked that I have an accurate and sensitive hearing but they do not realize that they are the reason for that development amongst other reasons like severe paranoia. Since nobody likes to be punished, children with strict parents know how to think quickly and how to make up reasonable excuses so they do not get into trouble. Research shows that strict parents can turn their children into more effective liars because children who are afraid, to tell the truth, learn to be more deceptive to avoid getting in trouble. Lying requires tons of thinking which means that those children can develop the habit of overthinking in the future. Against popular beliefs, overthinking is neither a bad thing nor a good thing in my opinion. I am a severe overthinker and I can see both the advantages and disadvantages of that practice. Many people I´ve met claim that overthinking is a choice and I should just stop it but I would say it is rather something that happens unconsciously, but that is a topic for another day.
As I have proven punishment does not teach a child anything besides cheating, lying, and hiding. It is somewhat ironic. Parents want to teach children not to cheat and lie but they are inadvertently teaching exactly that. When parents are willing to resort to punishment, then the child is more likely to act like the criminals that their parents believe them to be. Would it be best to idea to treat children as a criminal for minor incidents? Parents are only applying their own ideals onto a child. Those ideals could come from their parents. Alternatively, it could be thanks to their own parents that the parents have certain opposing ideals. No matter where those ideals come from, one thing is for sure. The ideals can be either good or bad. However, one should keep in mind what is best for the parent may not the best for the child in the future. One may not like children staying up late or coming home after curfew but punishment should not be the only option available. A welcome alternative would be talking. It is as simple as that. Just having a conversation where one does not threaten a child. Do not let emotions especially anger get the best of oneself and honestly if even talking does not work something is seriously wrong and one should seek help.
From day to day, it should be obvious that children want something that their parents do not allow for the thrill and the danger. Whether it is alcohol or meeting with that one friend. Children are curious and just want to try everything, since the option of trying seems to disappear as we grow up. I am not saying that parents should let children play with knives or other potentially deadly objects but maybe do not punish them for something trivial. For example, one should not get angry about talking back when the parent asks a question. This may just make us feel misunderstood since our intention is far from the parent's assumptions. It just feels like they are not listening and instead are just shouting. Teenagers have reasons for sneaking out or talking back. It would be incredibly helpful if the parents would just listen instead of assuming the worst. Teenagers hide things not because it is bad but we could just be embarrassed or just want some privacy. Sometimes we just feel like that our parents won´t understand us, therefore we feel a need to hide. If I did tell my parents what I was hiding, it just felt as if they were laughing and judging me and that is the last thing a teenager needs. Teenagers are often misunderstood since they are treated like children but expected to act like adults. We do not need someone judging us on top of all that. Teenagers may feel that their parents do not understand, since to a certain extent they do not. Adults sometimes do not even understand each other, so people especially children feeling misunderstood is quite common. The misunderstanding can be caused by tons of factors including generational difference or situational difference. Parents may have experienced something similar but it is not exactly the same. Times change.
Besides the punishments, strict parents also have high expectations. They want their children to be the best of the best. Anything beyond that is a disappointment. To achieve greatness, strict parents tend to compare their child with other children who may be doing better. They make one feel as if life is a constant competition to be the best and other children are always better no matter what one has achieved. From personal experience, I can say that this crushed my self-esteem. Even though my mother did not actively enforce the idea of greatness, she passively managed to make me feel bad about doing worse. My mother is not as strict as other parents are and she was encouraging from time to time but just the disappointed expression told a lot even though she did not mean it. I feel like I always have to have good grades and anything below a B is a disaster. It did not quite matter how good I am at extracurricular or how many languages I spoke. All that matters was academic greatness, which I certainly did not achieve. Eventually, my mother did lower her expectation to fit reality but the change came a bit late. This is just another balancing act. Should one expect more to encourage or should one expect less to not crush the self-esteem? (Read my article about over and underestimation here.)
The high expectations and parents having their child´s life planned out for them could lead to another unwanted side effect. This may cause a child to be overly dependent on their parents or despising their parents. Depending on their personality and behaviour, the side effects could be different. Strict parents have their child´s life already planned out before the child is born. Parents want their child to be successful, which is totally understandable for the record. However, what strict parents do not understand is that the best universities may not be the path for the child. There are other ways for a child to be successful and again success is in the mind of the perceiver. Each child is different and the parent’s ideal way to success may not work out for the child. The child may develop mental health issues trying to live up to his or her parent's expectations. Another thing strict parents don´t consider is the effect this has on a child. This way to success just makes the child dependent. What will the child do if his or her parents are not around to guide him or her? They never lived a life without parental intervention. Those children sort of live in a bubble their parents created. What will happen to the child if he or she leaves that safe bubble? Since one thing is for sure, the parents cannot always be there for the child. A parent also could eventually tell their child to be more independent. How does that make the child feel? The parents planned out their whole life and suddenly they are not planning for the child anymore. This will make a child feel as if they have done something wrong therefore their parents don´t plan anymore. If one really wants a child to be successful, then a parent needs to know how to take the back seat for once instead of constantly being the designated driver.
Parenting experts say that children need to be loved, seen, heard and understood. In other words, children are attention seekers who need to be looked after. Strict parents can avoid all the trauma and yelling by trying to listening and understand a child. If strict parents do truly understand a child, punishment would probably not even be necessary. Just by listening and understanding, a parent could also make themselves seem more available to talk to and not make a child especially a teenager feel misunderstood. Teenage years are trying times, the last thing a teenager need is more stress and the constant feeling of being constantly misunderstood and not being good enough. All I am trying to say is that parenting is not a simple guidebook one can follow but rather obstacles that need to be overcome depending on the child preferences. I am not a mother and probably never will be but one thing I can say for sure is that threats should not be the only way to go. Taking away valued possessions is one thing but believing that the child will learn is a completely different thing. If one wants a tree to grow, one does not take away the soil. One needs to take a step back and ask why the child is acting the way they are before drawing the sword since once a child feels threatened one thing is for sure. They will do what is best for them, which might not be ideal for the parent.