Online Dating Pt. 4
I know what I said in my last article when I said that I was taking a break from dating because it was making me somewhat depressed about my future relationship-wise. However, I think that this article series about online dating should end on a happy ending so here we go.
Now looking back at my previous three articles, I was a bit biased. And now looking back at part three I was also telling somewhat of a lie. Whenever I was bored or drunk, I would look through all the potential matches online.
It was fun for a while but with each match made online, it felt like it was pushing me down each time… over and over again until I am down. When I was up again, the same thing would happen over and over, yet I couldn’t stop.
The endless possibilities of potential matches and even dates were somewhat addicting. The idea that any of the people you see could be your future partner was thrilling and there was this tireless feeling that one would have to keep looking until they found the one.
Some time has passed between this article and the one before it. During that time, I managed to swipe through thousands of potential matches, get matched with many potential acquaintances, talked to some of the potential dates and went on dates with a few potential partners.
Every date I went on was not a complete disaster but somewhat a drag because deep down I knew that it would be the last time I ever see that guy again. I don´t know if I was fully aware back then but a second date was something that need to be arranged and something to look forward to.
In no way am I trying to say that the guys I went out with were bad… they were just boring and not my type. To a certain extent, it also felt like an interview where I was questioning them about everything and they didn´t have a shimmer of an idea of who I am.
Let me say, that I might not have been an expert in dating but even I knew that dating is a two-way street. You want to know as much about your date as possible and you want them to know about you too. Otherwise, it will be a pretty one-sided relationship which would never last.
There is a list of simple facts about me I could list which I could have slipped into any conversation if I can be honest but it never came to it so I never truly bothered. However, I can be biased so I don´t know for sure.
For the record, there is no such thing as a typical first date. With the first one I went out for cocktails, with the second one we went climbing, with another we went for a walk, with two I went to a Japanese restaurant, with one I went ice skating, with another one I went to Pizza and with the last one I went to a Spanish restaurant.
Out of the eight dates, not a single one was like the other. It would have been creepy if it did. Each guy was different from the next but through trial and error, I believe it was easier to find out what you like and what you don´t so I don´t see serial dating as a bad thing.
Anyways, just as the first dates are expected to go, everything was awkward all the time with all the dates. I cannot deny that vibes, as irrational as they are, are a thing because if you are not on the same wavelength as the other, things would stay awkward.
I guess, the issue with most of the dates was, as clique as it sounds, that you didn´t meet the right one yet. The person you met is not on the same wavelength as you. So many jokes will fall short, and conversations get cut short. That feels weird so we just leave those dates in the past.
However, when you eventually find a person, you can understand and feel understood by… it feels like finding a needle in a haystack. Nearly impossible to find but when you found it, a sense of relief washes over you and you are filled with gratitude.
Frankly, I cannot deny that I am not the kind of person who would believe in love at first sight since there is no such thing. However, I do believe in interest at first sight since there were three guys whom I thought this date is going to be interesting.
With the first one interest was completely misplaced. Nothing was interesting about him. With the second one interest was not misplaced but there was the interview issue which bothered me. The last one, interest was not misplaced and we had a proper conversation.
If I should guess, I would say that interest on both sides is vital. Generally, openness is important too, whether it is being open to getting to know someone new or being willing to be open about yourself without hiding behind walls.
What separated the last one from the rest was the simple fact that he was willing to tell me everything without me needing to ask too many follow-ups and also willing to ask about me too. And our humour was pretty similar and that was important for me.
A couple who can laugh together stay together in my opinion because humour has always been a big part of my life and as mentioned in my comedy article, I would not be the person I am without it therefore ideally my date should have a sense of humour too.
Nevertheless, my standards are not important right now, besides standards were already established during the whole swiping process. What is important is that, against all odds, I managed to find someone who I kind of probably like.
At first, I must admit that I found it weird to see a message on my phone early in the morning or at all since I am not the kind of person who would texts or receive texts frequently so you must understand the surprise.
Another thing was that I found it bloody annoying that he would text me so frequently. On the one hand, it is so sweet of him to text me every now and again but on the other, having to reply to those aforementioned texts can be arduous.
After the first date, we just saw each other relatively frequently since we go to the same university, we could meet for lunch which I found very practical due to my rather filled schedules. Besides having a distraction from the lab work is always appreciated.
Then it struck me that having a shared interest with your date is somewhat important as well since you can talk all night long but if you have no shared interest, topics will eventually run out and the relationship is not bound to last.
As it turns out, we shared a lot of interests and there were also a lot of other smaller life details which we shared up to the point of it becoming really creepy. Nevertheless, we also have plenty of interests we don´t share to keep things interesting.
For the fourth date, we met for movies at my place. That day, we met at the university and went back to my place together. We spent the afternoon getting to know each other further and watching movies. He even spent the night, but nothing happened.
After that movie night, we both decided to get rid of the app which brought us together because we both saw the potential of a future relationship. And if not, I also did promise myself to take a break from online dating so either way, deleting the app was inevitable.
Now looking back, we were really shy back then because we were still unsure about the whole relationship thing and if it will work out. We probably also didn’t want to overstep to make the other uncomfortable.
As it turns out, that movie night was one of many to come. After the first one, we were not too shy around each other anymore and started talking more openly to one another. Whenever he would text me, instead of being annoyed, a smile would appear on my face which a lot of people noticed much to my dismay.
Weeks passed and we only grew closer to one another. Finding out more about each other and doing more together. Sometimes it feels like we are spending the whole day together even though we are distance-wise not close to each other at all.
I have no idea how to properly explain it but it is like the feeling of safety just appeared out of thin air. Something so profoundly secure which makes the walls I´ve built up over the years fall oh so effortlessly. As if I could tell him anything without the fear of anyone else finding out.
For the first time in a very long time did I feel safe and happy. In this relationship, I don’t have anything to prove, and I don´t have to pretend to make anyone happy. I can just be me and let my inner child roam freely again. And that feeling is great.
The oxytocin and the dopamine which are released whenever he is on my mind or around are kind of addictive. The desire to hear his heartbeat or smell his perfume. The yearning to hear his voice or feel his hug. The hope to know he is well and happy.
To be fair, I now wonder why I was so against the idea of a relationship, to begin with. I have no idea why I was so cynical about the idea of love. To be fair, I am still not all too convinced about the idea of love but I have trust that a loving relationship is still possible without love but with a lot of adoration.
Nevertheless, there are some downsides to being in a relationship as well since now you have got something to lose as well. As much as I hate the idea of losing my partner, I still have to live with the idea that someday it will happen.
What I also found exhausting about being in a relationship as well as how much time, I don’t have anymore. My schedules are already packed with uni, lab and sports, now I have to find a way to squeeze a relationship in there as well. It is and is continue to be draining.
However, now I know that even if I am drained and completely out of it, I have someone in my corner picking me up again and making sure I can continue to fight for another day. Even when I am at my worst, I know he will still be there even when I pretend, I don’t want him to be.
It is somewhat unimaginable to think that I have a boyfriend. I mean I went 20 years without a relationship and then all of a sudden being in one is completely mind-boggling. My mind still has to remind me every day that I have someone to count on in my time of need or in my time of boredom.
Don´t get me wrong, online dating can be exhausting and can lead to many dead ends. However, sometimes it pays off. What will happen is unpredictable. Nevertheless, you never know if you never try. Maybe you will even find out things you never knew about yourself.
Sometimes (as corny as this will sound) love is just around the corner even if it feels like walking around in circles. Sometimes you just need to open your heart and mind to let something new happen to you and even if it turns out to be nothing, you still learnt from the experience.
I can´t say that online dating sites work. It is the people on those sites who make it work. Some of them don´t and are just messing around. Some of them do but sometimes it feels like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Therefore, if anyone asks I am glad I tried out online dating but if I ever have to date again, I will most certainly not be putting myself through the whole online dating thing again. It was fun but bloody exhausting. Let´s hope for the best and that I never have to date again.